Almost everything is pointing to me being able to attend college this coming semester :-). I'm currently looking for employment so I don't have to take out any student loans. Cheap community colleges for the win.
I'm currently living in a one-bedroom apartment with my parents, having a really uncomfortable sofa-bed to sleep in. But, I'm really grateful. Denver is beautiful. There's a lake literally a mile away from the house, and a nice little trail for bikes, horses and I can take my dog Lexi on it, which she seems to love. I'm feeling very hopeful for the future. Las Vegas had seemed to drain the life out of me, and it was an almost physical release when we finally moved.
I feel much more relaxed and at ease with myself. I've lost alot of friends this past year, but I gained an invaluable one. I realized my dad has been there for almost every hard time I went through. It was weird talking to him after graduating high school, he was an almost entirely different person. He talked to me like I was a friend, not as a child. It was comforting to have him believe in me, when not alot of people had. I was never really close to my family after about the age of 16, with me trying to be independent and all that. My brother and I drifted apart, I was losing alot of friends, and my other two siblings I had nothing in common with. I looked to my dad as a person who fed me and clothed me, but I really found the man behind the symbol of patriarch this past year. He's brilliant. He believed in me when I went through things I would've otherwise just given up on. I'm ashamed of how selfish I was for awhile there. It never occured to me that he was there with me, going through the same exact things. I am forever in debt to him. I'm glad we're on a different, and more hopeful, track. I found myself this past year, really. And he's helped me analyze who I wish to be when I grow gray with age.
This was a whole lot of rambling, but if you stayed with it, Thanks :-P
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Coming Out Of The Closet
I Am An Atheist
It took alot for me to finally come to this realization, decision or whatever you'd like to call it. For a long time, I've said I'm agnostic. I've never come to terms with religion and what I thought about the world around me, and how it all came to be.
My brain screams that there is no God. My mortality cries that there must be.
I've been scared for a long time in regard to my eternal damnation, and "saving my soul". Even now, when I write this, I feel the judgement from the eyes of imagined strangers who would read this blog.
I am constantly in awe of my surroundings, life in all its forms, and the millions upon millions of possibilities I have to choose from both internally and externally of how my life will play out. I don't feel any less moral than my religious counterparts. I constantly question all things, and I don't believe that my curiosity is going to be the end of me. It baffles me how people could take something as an ultimate truth with full conviction. I try to lead my life in the moment. I try to be compassionate and loving to my fellow human.
Am I evil because I believe there is no God? I like to think that if there was a God, in all his omnipotency and omnipresence; wouldn't he rather have his creations question life and its origins? If you had all of eternity, instead of these fleeting years on earth, and you created something that was self-conscious; Wouldn't you have joy in seeing the skeptic grow? Always questioning and always full of wonder? Say you spent your entire life according to the bible. God exists and when you meet him in your heaven, he asks: What did you learn on earth, if all you've done was something you were told to do? Are you any better than a robot, then? Don't we learn from our mistakes? Don't we grow and become better human beings from memories, experiences, heartache, trouble, and defeat? "Don't touch the stove, because it is hot." What the hell is hot? Do you have any concept of the pain until you actually oblige your curious mind? How can you live if you've been told what life is all about? If you already know all the answers, are you just waiting to die, for heaven?
I remember when I first began questioning religion and the concept of a God. My mother was Bisexual for a time. She had multiple relationships with women when I was growing up. According to alot of people, my mother is eternally damned. It seems that it doesn't matter what else my mother does with her life. It is now void because she has a desire for someone of the same sex. How is it anyone elses business what my mother, or anyone else for that matter, does in their life if it doesn't cause any harm whatsoever to others? Religion also damns women as a second-class citizen in society. I have first-hand experience of the mind of men who actually believe this. When I was serving my community service last year in a church, there was a group of men who gathered once a week to talk about "Man" things. A speaker actually said "I know guys, I know... When it comes to doing chores, cleaning or helping around the house, it's usually the woman's job. But really, it would help if once in awhile, mind you not too often, you should help just a bit." I looked around and there were men nodding their heads solemnly, as if this was some sort of epiphany for them. OF COURSE YOU SHOULD HELP AROUND THE HOUSE! It's your fucking house too! Marriage isn't some bond of slavery! That contract doesn't dictate that you have someone to clean your mess and bend to your will just because you have a dick between your legs. I was appalled how many people, in this day and age, still had ideals written down in the bronze age as something to abide by.
I've come to reject alot of what religion stands for, and things associated with it. I don't think I want to get married. I don't mind commitment, but... why put so much pressure on something as delicate as a relationship? I don't even know if I want children. I certainly don't want any within the next 15 years. Maybe some people just have that parental nature, but I just don't feel it. I want to change this world. I want to better our fleeting time here. They say the first two years to raise a child costs something like $28,000. What if I just invested that instead into something like an invention, or a charity? Maybe I'm just a loner. I like my privacy, and alot of the moments of contention i've had were when I was by myself, surrounded by my thoughts and the chaotic peace of the world. I want love, and I want relationships, but not with a sacrifice as to what I could achieve in the fleeting time I have on this planet.
I'm afraid to post this. I don't know who's going to judge me, but I feel like this is liberating. I'm scared that most people find Atheism to be synonymous with demons, rapists, murderers and thieves. I'm a good person, but I just have so little patience for people who are willing to kill for something they haven't questioned themselves.
Doesn't this picture make you want to just sigh with the beauty of it all? We are literally just an atom in the wind. Live your life, please. Enjoy it. Breath in the beautiful life around you. It won't last.
It took alot for me to finally come to this realization, decision or whatever you'd like to call it. For a long time, I've said I'm agnostic. I've never come to terms with religion and what I thought about the world around me, and how it all came to be.
My brain screams that there is no God. My mortality cries that there must be.
I've been scared for a long time in regard to my eternal damnation, and "saving my soul". Even now, when I write this, I feel the judgement from the eyes of imagined strangers who would read this blog.
I am constantly in awe of my surroundings, life in all its forms, and the millions upon millions of possibilities I have to choose from both internally and externally of how my life will play out. I don't feel any less moral than my religious counterparts. I constantly question all things, and I don't believe that my curiosity is going to be the end of me. It baffles me how people could take something as an ultimate truth with full conviction. I try to lead my life in the moment. I try to be compassionate and loving to my fellow human.
Am I evil because I believe there is no God? I like to think that if there was a God, in all his omnipotency and omnipresence; wouldn't he rather have his creations question life and its origins? If you had all of eternity, instead of these fleeting years on earth, and you created something that was self-conscious; Wouldn't you have joy in seeing the skeptic grow? Always questioning and always full of wonder? Say you spent your entire life according to the bible. God exists and when you meet him in your heaven, he asks: What did you learn on earth, if all you've done was something you were told to do? Are you any better than a robot, then? Don't we learn from our mistakes? Don't we grow and become better human beings from memories, experiences, heartache, trouble, and defeat? "Don't touch the stove, because it is hot." What the hell is hot? Do you have any concept of the pain until you actually oblige your curious mind? How can you live if you've been told what life is all about? If you already know all the answers, are you just waiting to die, for heaven?
I remember when I first began questioning religion and the concept of a God. My mother was Bisexual for a time. She had multiple relationships with women when I was growing up. According to alot of people, my mother is eternally damned. It seems that it doesn't matter what else my mother does with her life. It is now void because she has a desire for someone of the same sex. How is it anyone elses business what my mother, or anyone else for that matter, does in their life if it doesn't cause any harm whatsoever to others? Religion also damns women as a second-class citizen in society. I have first-hand experience of the mind of men who actually believe this. When I was serving my community service last year in a church, there was a group of men who gathered once a week to talk about "Man" things. A speaker actually said "I know guys, I know... When it comes to doing chores, cleaning or helping around the house, it's usually the woman's job. But really, it would help if once in awhile, mind you not too often, you should help just a bit." I looked around and there were men nodding their heads solemnly, as if this was some sort of epiphany for them. OF COURSE YOU SHOULD HELP AROUND THE HOUSE! It's your fucking house too! Marriage isn't some bond of slavery! That contract doesn't dictate that you have someone to clean your mess and bend to your will just because you have a dick between your legs. I was appalled how many people, in this day and age, still had ideals written down in the bronze age as something to abide by.
I've come to reject alot of what religion stands for, and things associated with it. I don't think I want to get married. I don't mind commitment, but... why put so much pressure on something as delicate as a relationship? I don't even know if I want children. I certainly don't want any within the next 15 years. Maybe some people just have that parental nature, but I just don't feel it. I want to change this world. I want to better our fleeting time here. They say the first two years to raise a child costs something like $28,000. What if I just invested that instead into something like an invention, or a charity? Maybe I'm just a loner. I like my privacy, and alot of the moments of contention i've had were when I was by myself, surrounded by my thoughts and the chaotic peace of the world. I want love, and I want relationships, but not with a sacrifice as to what I could achieve in the fleeting time I have on this planet.
I'm afraid to post this. I don't know who's going to judge me, but I feel like this is liberating. I'm scared that most people find Atheism to be synonymous with demons, rapists, murderers and thieves. I'm a good person, but I just have so little patience for people who are willing to kill for something they haven't questioned themselves.
Doesn't this picture make you want to just sigh with the beauty of it all? We are literally just an atom in the wind. Live your life, please. Enjoy it. Breath in the beautiful life around you. It won't last.
Friday, February 26, 2010
365 Days In Review
Almost to the day, one year ago my dad lost his job. My mom had already been unemployed since october, so things were already a bit tight, and very frustrating at times. So, it's been an entire year and let's try to sum up what has happened in my life. I honestly can't believe how much i've changed.
This time last year, I had three classes in Highschool and a part time job for the Mesa Public School system. It's crazy; I had economics, mythology, and my DECA class. That's all I had to do for school. Those three things. Go to work and help Deb and Kathleen out which was really simple, actually. Mostly just making their work-load a bit easier to bear, which I did gladly.
Let's see... February 2009.... I think I had just found out Robert had gotten Andi pregnant... Y'know what's wierd? He didn't want me to know, I think. Like I always thought I was his best friend, we had known each other for a good 7 years, and had been together all the time. But, I was just about the last to know in our close group of friends. I was still hanging out with Weston, I think he had just bought his motorcycle, which he was riding to school. I always thought that was pretty cool, heh :). It's wierd to look back and see how simple life seems to me now, but I just know it was hard on me then as life is hard on me now. Frank was in his schooling for Motor Vehicle Operator. I remember thinking how fast we were growing up, and how much me and him were drifting apart. That really hurts, to be honest... We were always the best of friends, since we moved alot as children, it was hard to get new friends every 7-12 months. I was still going to parties just about every weekend at this point. Drinking, and smoking.. trying my hardest to keep a lock on my childhood. It was as futile as trying to catch a waterfall in my hands. I just didn't want to let go. At all. I remember always having such good social skills, haha. Being so friendly, dancing with any girl that came near me. I think it was just the fact that I felt so innocent. Dancing was nothing, really. Just drinks and having a bit of fun.
I think it was march...... something.. when I had asked Christine to prom. It was a bit wierd, really. We were on the phone. I was laying down in my room, and we were talking about some thing or another. I forget how it came up... I think I said "Uh, yeah... i was going to ask you something..." and she said "Yes...?" all sweetly which was cute. I think she pulled it out of me to actually ask, and she said yes, which was a shock... but not so much in hindsight, haha. Teenage dreams are naive. The moment she said she'd go with me, my mind went a thousand miles a second, thinking up every scenario, doubting myself and the reasons we were going together, asking what this all meant to our friendship, wondering what robert and my brother thought. Hah. I remember she had gone to visit her sister, I believe. And had bought a dress when she was up there. It had to have been like a week or two after we had agreed to go together. And my thousand miles a second mind was getting cold feet. I had felt so bad because I was thinking of the other people I could go with, and how scared I was to actually go with this girl that I had feelings for for SO long. It really molded the way I was going to end up as a teenager, in hindsight. Haha, this all seems so long ago, and it's been less than a year. Just a couple of days before prom, my parents had moved to Las Vegas, and I moved into my sister Audra and her boyfriend Matt's house. Me and Christine had a conversation the week or so before how I was reading too much into it, that we were just going as friends. I remember when she came over to the house to pick me up (I didn't have transportation, haha.) When my sister first started to take pictures of the two of us, I remember not putting my arm around her, and just standing next to her haha. The same exact thing happened at her house, when her parents took pictures of us, and the rest of the prom group. I think I frustrated her, lol. She had to physically grab my arm and put it around her. Agh I was so clueless, haha. I enjoyed going, in the end. I just don't think I liked that all of her friends had an opinion of me before they even met me.
The last month of school was torture. It was really all my fault for being such a procrastinator, but I always tended to blame the world for my shortcomings, which was disastrous. I had to save money from work to pay for textbooks I had never turned in during my highschool years. I was literally at the deadline as to whether or not I was going to graduate when it came to paying my debt. But ultimately, it was very liberating. My brother Frank had come out, along with my parents, to see my graduation. It was nice to see them after feeling so abandoned for the last month or so. (Sidenote: Oh my god, I had known nothing about loneliness and heartache, but in the coming months, I was soon to find out!!)
The weekend of the graduation, I think it was a Saturday. My brother Frank was with me, and we had gone to a small party at Taylor's house. This was the day where I got to drinking, and all of my boy-shyness and inhibitions went out the window. I literally stayed up the entire night talking to christine. I think our conversation included how beautiful I thought it was that women could simply hold life within themselves, and about gangster rap, massages (Christine fucking manhandled me!), all until I was so out of it that I just started falling half-asleep. But it was definitely a night I will never forget. :).
The month in-between was pretty awesome. I was on cloud nine. I can't believe how great I felt. I had friends around me, I was falling in love with christine again, I had community service to do, Weston was going to bootcamp, so he asked if I wanted to go to California with him, which was unbelieveable. I snuck into Arizona State University's stadium, which was something I will absolutely hold with me forever, I think was really opening up to Christine, telling her how I felt about life, love, and my insane outlook on life. But with every high-note in life, it comes with the low. The sweet to the bitter... Ahhh... I went from the very top to a horrible state of mind. Christine and I inevitably dated for a few weeks. I was gone most of the time, at my parents in Las Vegas. I think we spent a total of 4 days together. Which was really depressing in hindsight :-P. But it was sweet. Very, very sweet. It was the culmination of what I had been hoping against hope for, for the past 4 years. She broke up with me in the month of July, 2009. Her reason was she was tired of saying goodbye to me. She couldnt take anymore of me playing stupid games for attention.
The next months were absolutely dreadful. From september 12th, the day after my birthday, until around January 20th. I was in a horrible state of mind. I had to donate plasma to help my family make ends meet, my brother was in Afghanistan, I was stuck in the house almost every day. I had no friends, I could talk to absolutely no one. I was so hungry for conversation. I was scared of telling my Dad how I really felt about my future, and how bleak I felt about the onset of my life. My mom was drinking just about every single day, drinking away money that we didn't have. I contacted my first friend from Arizona; after 2 months of being so low. I was really hating myself, hating my life, and hating the future that was being laid bare before my eyes. I went from an Air Force recruiter to a Navy one. It's funny how all I really ever wanted to do was go to college. That's why I wanted to join the military. Simply for college. I'm not going to be stuck in life, I'm going to try my hardest to reach my full potential. I studied alot for the ASVAB, to get into the navy's Nuclear Propulsion program; the hardest the U.S. Military has to offer. I passed everything they asked me to do. I recieved a 92 on my ASVAB, and I passed the Navy's Advance Placment Test. I was absolutely candidate material. My future looked bright, and I was thinking how no matter what has happened in the past, I can always make my future brighter. But unfortunately I found out I couldn't. Bad grades in Highschool determined that I was unfit to join the Nuclear Propulsion program. I was devastated. Let's rewind back to January 16th of this year. I was in Arizona, and I was at Audra's house for the second day. I had gone to a party with my friends the night before, and a hookah bar that night. This was the culmination of all the events of the past year. I finally told my dad how I was feeling. I told him I was thinking of suicide almost daily. I had never cried to hard in my entire life. I told him how frustrating it was for me to take all of the stress. How I hadn't slept in a bed for over a year, how angry I was that I had to even turn to the military to get my life started. How hurt I was that Christine didn't want to see me when I visited Arizona. But I can't blame her; I'm just more stress. I must've cried and talked to my dad for about 3 hours. I just let it all out. I'm very glad I did, though. He told me about his past experiences, how hard life can be, and it's only as rewarding as I make it.
Overall, this was definitely the worst year of my entire life. Absolutely. But I hope that after such a bitter year, I can have a sweet one. I'm still confused as to love, and how lonely I am. It's wierd though. I want someone, but I don't. I know that I can't commit to anything until I'm out of college, which is more than likely not for another 6 years. This time has got to be fleeting..... I'm just lonely. It sucks, but who isn't lonely?
Peace and Love,
David.
This time last year, I had three classes in Highschool and a part time job for the Mesa Public School system. It's crazy; I had economics, mythology, and my DECA class. That's all I had to do for school. Those three things. Go to work and help Deb and Kathleen out which was really simple, actually. Mostly just making their work-load a bit easier to bear, which I did gladly.
Let's see... February 2009.... I think I had just found out Robert had gotten Andi pregnant... Y'know what's wierd? He didn't want me to know, I think. Like I always thought I was his best friend, we had known each other for a good 7 years, and had been together all the time. But, I was just about the last to know in our close group of friends. I was still hanging out with Weston, I think he had just bought his motorcycle, which he was riding to school. I always thought that was pretty cool, heh :). It's wierd to look back and see how simple life seems to me now, but I just know it was hard on me then as life is hard on me now. Frank was in his schooling for Motor Vehicle Operator. I remember thinking how fast we were growing up, and how much me and him were drifting apart. That really hurts, to be honest... We were always the best of friends, since we moved alot as children, it was hard to get new friends every 7-12 months. I was still going to parties just about every weekend at this point. Drinking, and smoking.. trying my hardest to keep a lock on my childhood. It was as futile as trying to catch a waterfall in my hands. I just didn't want to let go. At all. I remember always having such good social skills, haha. Being so friendly, dancing with any girl that came near me. I think it was just the fact that I felt so innocent. Dancing was nothing, really. Just drinks and having a bit of fun.
I think it was march...... something.. when I had asked Christine to prom. It was a bit wierd, really. We were on the phone. I was laying down in my room, and we were talking about some thing or another. I forget how it came up... I think I said "Uh, yeah... i was going to ask you something..." and she said "Yes...?" all sweetly which was cute. I think she pulled it out of me to actually ask, and she said yes, which was a shock... but not so much in hindsight, haha. Teenage dreams are naive. The moment she said she'd go with me, my mind went a thousand miles a second, thinking up every scenario, doubting myself and the reasons we were going together, asking what this all meant to our friendship, wondering what robert and my brother thought. Hah. I remember she had gone to visit her sister, I believe. And had bought a dress when she was up there. It had to have been like a week or two after we had agreed to go together. And my thousand miles a second mind was getting cold feet. I had felt so bad because I was thinking of the other people I could go with, and how scared I was to actually go with this girl that I had feelings for for SO long. It really molded the way I was going to end up as a teenager, in hindsight. Haha, this all seems so long ago, and it's been less than a year. Just a couple of days before prom, my parents had moved to Las Vegas, and I moved into my sister Audra and her boyfriend Matt's house. Me and Christine had a conversation the week or so before how I was reading too much into it, that we were just going as friends. I remember when she came over to the house to pick me up (I didn't have transportation, haha.) When my sister first started to take pictures of the two of us, I remember not putting my arm around her, and just standing next to her haha. The same exact thing happened at her house, when her parents took pictures of us, and the rest of the prom group. I think I frustrated her, lol. She had to physically grab my arm and put it around her. Agh I was so clueless, haha. I enjoyed going, in the end. I just don't think I liked that all of her friends had an opinion of me before they even met me.
The last month of school was torture. It was really all my fault for being such a procrastinator, but I always tended to blame the world for my shortcomings, which was disastrous. I had to save money from work to pay for textbooks I had never turned in during my highschool years. I was literally at the deadline as to whether or not I was going to graduate when it came to paying my debt. But ultimately, it was very liberating. My brother Frank had come out, along with my parents, to see my graduation. It was nice to see them after feeling so abandoned for the last month or so. (Sidenote: Oh my god, I had known nothing about loneliness and heartache, but in the coming months, I was soon to find out!!)
The weekend of the graduation, I think it was a Saturday. My brother Frank was with me, and we had gone to a small party at Taylor's house. This was the day where I got to drinking, and all of my boy-shyness and inhibitions went out the window. I literally stayed up the entire night talking to christine. I think our conversation included how beautiful I thought it was that women could simply hold life within themselves, and about gangster rap, massages (Christine fucking manhandled me!), all until I was so out of it that I just started falling half-asleep. But it was definitely a night I will never forget. :).
The month in-between was pretty awesome. I was on cloud nine. I can't believe how great I felt. I had friends around me, I was falling in love with christine again, I had community service to do, Weston was going to bootcamp, so he asked if I wanted to go to California with him, which was unbelieveable. I snuck into Arizona State University's stadium, which was something I will absolutely hold with me forever, I think was really opening up to Christine, telling her how I felt about life, love, and my insane outlook on life. But with every high-note in life, it comes with the low. The sweet to the bitter... Ahhh... I went from the very top to a horrible state of mind. Christine and I inevitably dated for a few weeks. I was gone most of the time, at my parents in Las Vegas. I think we spent a total of 4 days together. Which was really depressing in hindsight :-P. But it was sweet. Very, very sweet. It was the culmination of what I had been hoping against hope for, for the past 4 years. She broke up with me in the month of July, 2009. Her reason was she was tired of saying goodbye to me. She couldnt take anymore of me playing stupid games for attention.
The next months were absolutely dreadful. From september 12th, the day after my birthday, until around January 20th. I was in a horrible state of mind. I had to donate plasma to help my family make ends meet, my brother was in Afghanistan, I was stuck in the house almost every day. I had no friends, I could talk to absolutely no one. I was so hungry for conversation. I was scared of telling my Dad how I really felt about my future, and how bleak I felt about the onset of my life. My mom was drinking just about every single day, drinking away money that we didn't have. I contacted my first friend from Arizona; after 2 months of being so low. I was really hating myself, hating my life, and hating the future that was being laid bare before my eyes. I went from an Air Force recruiter to a Navy one. It's funny how all I really ever wanted to do was go to college. That's why I wanted to join the military. Simply for college. I'm not going to be stuck in life, I'm going to try my hardest to reach my full potential. I studied alot for the ASVAB, to get into the navy's Nuclear Propulsion program; the hardest the U.S. Military has to offer. I passed everything they asked me to do. I recieved a 92 on my ASVAB, and I passed the Navy's Advance Placment Test. I was absolutely candidate material. My future looked bright, and I was thinking how no matter what has happened in the past, I can always make my future brighter. But unfortunately I found out I couldn't. Bad grades in Highschool determined that I was unfit to join the Nuclear Propulsion program. I was devastated. Let's rewind back to January 16th of this year. I was in Arizona, and I was at Audra's house for the second day. I had gone to a party with my friends the night before, and a hookah bar that night. This was the culmination of all the events of the past year. I finally told my dad how I was feeling. I told him I was thinking of suicide almost daily. I had never cried to hard in my entire life. I told him how frustrating it was for me to take all of the stress. How I hadn't slept in a bed for over a year, how angry I was that I had to even turn to the military to get my life started. How hurt I was that Christine didn't want to see me when I visited Arizona. But I can't blame her; I'm just more stress. I must've cried and talked to my dad for about 3 hours. I just let it all out. I'm very glad I did, though. He told me about his past experiences, how hard life can be, and it's only as rewarding as I make it.
Overall, this was definitely the worst year of my entire life. Absolutely. But I hope that after such a bitter year, I can have a sweet one. I'm still confused as to love, and how lonely I am. It's wierd though. I want someone, but I don't. I know that I can't commit to anything until I'm out of college, which is more than likely not for another 6 years. This time has got to be fleeting..... I'm just lonely. It sucks, but who isn't lonely?
Peace and Love,
David.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
