New Year

I discovered something about myself tonight. I never had any idea that this was the way I wanted to live my life. The way I wanted to spend my finite existence. 

I chase moments. I chase minutes and seconds of pure wonder and beauty. I do whatever it takes to have my breath taken away. I was absolutely surprised tonight. I grabbed my bicycle from the lamp post it was chained to, and took a 10 minute ride to the island's water line. The gentle black waves rolling in, inches from my feet. I arrived 25 minutes from midnight, the herald of a new year. 2013. It's weird to reminisce that 10 years ago I was 11 years old, banging pots and pans with spatulas and spoons in the street, in place of fireworks and noise makers. But, my childhood is another matter, so we won't get into that.

At 11:57 P.M., as I stood with the small waves inches from my feet, I stared out into the Pacific Ocean, rocks and small cliffs jutting from the water like some long forgotten sentinel. The gray waters making a beautiful symphony of chaos, filling my body with its sound. To the right of me, a small mountain range jutted out into the water, and beyond that in the distance lay Seattle. Fireworks began shooting off, inches above the highest mountain range, from my point of view. The vivid reds and blues and whites stark against the black night sky. It brought a wonderful smile to my face. How lucky I was, to have this moment to myself. David Lindsey. Sitting on a beach on a rock by himself, with fireworks shooting off beyond the mountains, their colors exploding against the sky. Then I looked to the left, towards the Canadian Border. We were pretty close to Vancouver, and what do I happen to see? More fireworks. More greens and whites and blues exploding against the night sky, dimming the stars for moments at a time. 

Here I am, 21 years old, away from family and friends. A beautiful gray ocean is rising and falling in front of me, American fireworks to the right of me, above the awe-inspiring rocky mountain cliffs. Canadian fireworks to the left of me, exploding against the night sky, heralding the passage of time.

Absolutely perfect. It's moments like these that I would die for. It's moments like these that I will gladly reminisce when I am old and gray. I can imagine myself in front of an audience of grandchildren as they ask me of my youth. "There I sat, with the ocean in front...". Wonderful.

Here's to 2013. I hope for the best. And whatever stranger happens to grace this little corner of the internet; I hope 2013 treats you well, my friend. 

Peace and Love,

David Lindsey.

The Things I Meant To Say

Hi mom. I turned 21 today. So much has happened in the past 7 months, mom. Life has been speeding past my eyes faster than I can keep up. I miss you every single moment. I feel so bad for all the time I took advantage of having you around. I should have called you more often. I should have told you I loved you, when I knew that was the only thing in this world that you wanted. You were so hurt, so often. Your life was such a tragedy. It was tinged with destruction and pain, although there were great moments in it as well. I just want you to be happy. I wanted you to be proud of me, I wanted to show you the change I can make in this world.

Something happened that may be a surprise to you. Something I told you would never happen, but it inevitably did; I fell in love. She is a wonderful woman, who takes my breath away. I understand your point of view now, mom. How you said I would understand one day what it means to feel and give love. It's so addicting. I have a hard time containing all of this emotion coursing through my veins. She is beautiful, kind, funny, so damn smart, and she makes me smile every single day. I would be lost without her. She helped me when I was trying my hardest to cope with losing you. You would have loved to have met her. She came to Audra's wedding. Everyone loved her.

I know dad misses you, so much. When we first found out, one of the first things he said to me was; "I don't know what to do. I've spent half of my life with her. I am so lost right now." He loved you so much, mom. I wish we could have all showed you a little bit better how much you meant to us.

I'm going to make this world a little bit brighter some day, mom. And it's for you. So people don't have to have such heartache and tragedy throughout their fleeting time on this planet. I miss you, and love you.
Love, David.

The Hunt

It starts in my toes

Begins in my bones

Like the wind rustling fall leaves

Is the way you leave me

Breathless and with a smile below my eyes

Telling you it is all just fine

The gleaming intensity of your gaze

I am anything but unfazed.

The way you move reminds me of the moon

Gently floating across the room

Like a dark huntress you've snared my heart

Coyly bashful you don't know what you do to me

It's fine, I don't mind

Being the prey in the wonderful game.

-David Lindsey

This is the first poem I've written that I actually enjoy. I hope you do as well.

Childhood Memories

I was talking to someone very close to me recently, and the subject of childhood came up. It got me thinking of how I grew up and what it means to me. So, this is a summary of my childhood. Enjoy.

I used to think a lot on my childhood, and what I would do differently if I ever had the chance to go back and change things. I was born in California, and I was the youngest of 4 children. At 18 months old, I drowned and was in a coma for 3 days. I didn't know this until I was about 9, when my mom mentioned it. Before the age of 10, my family had moved close to 8 times. We've gone from California, to Washington, back to California, then to another part of california, then to Washington. All before I was a decade old. Within washington we moved 4 times. I remember living across the street from a lake, in an apartment complex. Those were good times. Even though it rained a hell of a lot, and that was probably detrimental to me socializing, especially with me moving quite a lot and having to make new friends so often. I took up reading around that age. I would spend most of my time inside reading a novel and getting wrapped up in it. I was a fucking sponge for knowledge and little facts of science and history. I would watch documentaries on physics with my dad, staying up late in the night.

We were poor. I'd like to put that simply, even though it was hard to understand growing up. I went some days without dinner. I shopped at thrift stores and felt ashamed because my peers thought that hand me downs were "gross". We recieved food and charity from local churches and food banks. We were on foodstamps for a time, as well. Growing up, my brother and I were attached at the hip. We are 20 months apart, look a lot alike, and couldn't get enough of each other. We would goad one another into doing daring things, and we spent our time together doing bullshit kid things. We would hide in tunnels where bums slept, we would throw rocks at oncoming traffic, and dive into murky ponds even though it was freezing out and we were barely 100 lbs soaking wet.


After washington, we moved to Arizona. I was 11 when we made the trip. My dad stayed in Washington to finish up things for his job, while my siblings and my mom took a van down. It was a hard move. It was the middle of the summer, and coming from washington to Arizona, it was a stark difference. I remember we did not have AC in the van, and we would keep the windows rolled up until we were sweating, as if in a sauna, then roll them down and let the breeze of the highway cool our bodies. I remember reflecting upon how the air itself was hot. It felt stuffy and I did not like it. We slept in that van for a long while, until we were able to get our own place. We only stayed in that place for about a month, before my dad finally came down to Arizona. While we were sleeping in the van, my mom would drop us kids off at the pool, and we spent hours everyday there. I never really thought about it, but my mom was probably begging or looking for some way to get help for us. I'm ashamed to talk about it now, but I remember my mom asking, begging, me to go with her to panhandle, as people who see a mother with a child are more lenient, and likely to give us the money we desperately needed.


We ended up in Mesa, Arizona. About a 30 minute drive from Phoenix. I was to go to Poston Junior High, for the 7th grade. School had already started a month ago, but seeing how we were living mostly out of a van, we didn't start for awhile. I remember being so young and so lonely. I wanted friends so fucking badly. I spent so much time in my own head, analyzing social interactions like a fucking robot. Self esteem issues were rampant in my psyche, feeling little self worth for some odd reason. I would ride my bike to Tempe, where Arizona State University is located. There's a lake there, and I would spend a lot of time gazing over the water thinking what I wanted to be when I grew up. In school, besides being in my head all the time, I would read through every single class. I would listen with one ear, being aware enough of my surroundings to do well on tests, but oblivious to everything else. It was easy, so I would not give any attempt to do well.


We moved 6 times during my middle school years. Thankfully, my dad finally put his foot down and promised that we would stay in the same school dsitrict until I finished highschool. I was sacrificed to social pariah in the 9th grade. My best friend at the time thought it would be funny as an april fool's joke to say that I recieved In School Suspension for masturbating in class. 3 hours later at lunch, the whole school was talking about it. It sucked, because no amount of reasoning would sway these adamant 14 year olds. But meh, such is life. I fell in love with a girl named Christine Adams. She was everything I wanted, and I made it painfully obvious. It's excruciating to look back on the way I acted. I was so pathetic. I ended up going to highschool and finally blossomed into the whole "not giving a single fuck" attitude. Someone didn't like me? "Shrug". It really ended up being in my favor, as teenagers seem to idolize the whole apathetic attitude.


I'm sure i'm painting a picture of someone who LARPs and has weird t-shirts and all that jazz, but it's honestly not the case. I drank with friends, I had my first girlfriend at 16, I was, to be honest, "cool". But not in the popular sense of "rich, therefor I have something people envy", but I was a good friend, I made jokes and was playful, and I was often the one with the best advice and ideas in my group of friends. So through being sincere, apathetic and humorous, highschool flew by. We moved 3 times during my highschool career. Shit happened, I was lonely a few times because I never really made an effort to correct my "forever aloneness". I thought girls didn't like me, but looking back it was obvious I just didn't see the signs. But, as mentioned earlier, such is life. The most growing up I did was when I lived with my sister my senior year. As evident in my blog, I was beginning to really bloom into the man I had envisioned I would become in the future (Although, to be honest, the military me isn't what I had thought.). I was going to school for 3 hours, then working as a secretary for the school district for 3 hours every day. Life was easy, and good to me.


When I think back on all of the heart ache and shit I went through to become an adult, I can't help but smile. Sure, I was hungry sometimes. (I remember when I lived with my sister, I had to find pennies on the ground so I could go get a single top ramen package to eat for that day.) I cried a few times, I had my heart broken a few times, and I was sure the world was going to end a few times. But, that's what growing up is. And I wouldn't trade it for the world. So, that's me, Katie. This is who David Allen Lindsey is. Welcome to my mind, I suppose?

Mom

Melissa Elena Olson-Lindsey was 46 years old on the day she passed. She is survived by her husband Frank Vernon Lindsey and 4 children; John, Audra, Frank, and David. In her last moments, she was told how loved she was by her husband, children, family and friends.

Mom, your personality was unmistakable; every single person you came in contact with, you treated with affection and love. Your noble outlook on life was a testament to your character. You were always a lighthouse in this dark world, reaching as far as possible to make strangers and loved ones alike feel welcome in whichever situation presented itself.

You had a tough life, Mom. You were in and out of Foster Homes as a child, and yet you still found it within yourself to not be jaded, to look at life through the eyes of one who believes that they will not be another statistic, that they will not let their past be the ruler of their future.

You fell in love with my father, Frank Vernon Lindsey. Together, you raised 4 beautiful children; John Lindsey, my big brother. I know you're proud of him, as all of us are. He's grown into a man who garners respect from his peers. Audra Lindsey, my loving and sweet older sister. She has grown into a beautiful woman who is taking the world at large, living to show the world that she has, within her, the ability to be whatever she chooses. Frank Vernon Lindsey, Jr., my brother and best friend; He has grown into a man you were proud to tell the world you raised. I fondly remember you telling your friends and through conversations with strangers how proud you are of your son who is in the Marine Corps. Finally, you raised me, Mom. I was your youngest. You were my rock growing up. You were the sentinel guarding me from the hurt and pain that awaited me out in the world.

You taught me Nobility, through your actions; even in the most dire of situations, you would not hesitate to give someone a helping hand. You gave me a thirst for knowledge, and curiosity. You taught me to be proud of who I am, and not to be ashamed to show the world my true colors. You taught me to think on my own, to question life and everything under the sun. I know what it means to be truly loved, unconditionally, thanks to you. I could be purple and 15 feet tall, and I would be happy in the knowledge that you loved me. I am proud to say I am a man, thanks to you. I am gentle, mom. I know how to love. I know compassion and nobility. I know beauty and wonder. I will not fail you. I am going to change this world, for the better. I will let strangers know they look beautiful, I will wish random people a happy day. I will help strangers out if they are going through a hardship. You are truly a beacon for the betterment of our broken society.

Your husband, Frank Lindsey, loves you, regardless of the things in your past. He was your partner in life, and love. Together, you defied the world as we know it, staying together all of these years even when society was not on your side. The two of you took vows, to love each other and share a life, no matter what happens. He was there with you through your last moments, showing you the love he felt and still feels.

It was your wish to travel, and you were a pursuer of the mysterious. Although you were never able to pick up and leave, never fear; you will always be with me as I take on the world and show them what it means to carry the name Lindsey. I am proud of you, Mom. Your love was given freely and it was something to be envious of. Some people may have taken advantage of that, but they can no longer hurt you. You are free from the bonds that govern our bodies.

I remember when you took in strangers from the street to give them a roof over their heads, even when it barely covered ours.
I remember conversations with your passengers who loved you to death, and fondly commented on what a beautiful person you are.
I remember coming home with a skinned knee, and you making it better in the way only mothers could.
I remember laying on your chest as you softly sang me to sleep.
I remember feeling like the world at large was mine for the taking as you proudly watched my siblings and I grow into ourselves.
I remember feeling invincible when you had your arms wrapped around me, protecting me from the monsters that haunted my sleep.
I remember, and I shall never forget.

The famous pacifist, Mahatma Ghandi, once said “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” You achieved this more beautifully than I could imagine. No matter what comment someone had about you, and about the way you freely spoke with people full of compassion and nobility, you were always open for more. It didn't matter what they had to say, in the sense that it made you a stronger person. I can never recreate the feeling I had when you told me you were proud of me. When you let me know your were happy of the man I had become. You were never afraid to speak your mind, and you were always quick to tell my siblings and I how loved we are. Without doubt, we had a few rough patches growing up, but we don't hold anything against you. We are all human, and we all have flaws. While I could not wrap my 11 year old mind around it at the time, and I was ungrateful at times, I will never forget the true bonding I felt when you, Audra, Frank, and myself were living in a van for a month. Going to sleep next to you with the ground below us and the stars above us, I was content. I will never forget your love.

You are immortal. You are the essence of the human spirit. You are what it means to be a Human. You are inside of me. You are inside of Dad, John, Audra, Frank, Lexi. You are inside of your brother Jack, and your sister Gabriel. You are the Sun, the Moon, and the Galaxy. As you once were, you shall now become; A part of the universe. I vow, as David Allen Lindsey, to never forget your voice, to never forget the way you would sing with abandon, to never forget the way you loved unconditionally.

I will love you, always.

Dying to live, Living to die.

Almost everything is pointing to me being able to attend college this coming semester :-). I'm currently looking for employment so I don't have to take out any student loans. Cheap community colleges for the win.

I'm currently living in a one-bedroom apartment with my parents, having a really uncomfortable sofa-bed to sleep in. But, I'm really grateful. Denver is beautiful. There's a lake literally a mile away from the house, and a nice little trail for bikes, horses and I can take my dog Lexi on it, which she seems to love. I'm feeling very hopeful for the future. Las Vegas had seemed to drain the life out of me, and it was an almost physical release when we finally moved.

I feel much more relaxed and at ease with myself. I've lost alot of friends this past year, but I gained an invaluable one. I realized my dad has been there for almost every hard time I went through. It was weird talking to him after graduating high school, he was an almost entirely different person. He talked to me like I was a friend, not as a child. It was comforting to have him believe in me, when not alot of people had. I was never really close to my family after about the age of 16, with me trying to be independent and all that. My brother and I drifted apart, I was losing alot of friends, and my other two siblings I had nothing in common with. I looked to my dad as a person who fed me and clothed me, but I really found the man behind the symbol of patriarch this past year. He's brilliant. He believed in me when I went through things I would've otherwise just given up on. I'm ashamed of how selfish I was for awhile there. It never occured to me that he was there with me, going through the same exact things. I am forever in debt to him. I'm glad we're on a different, and more hopeful, track. I found myself this past year, really. And he's helped me analyze who I wish to be when I grow gray with age.

This was a whole lot of rambling, but if you stayed with it, Thanks :-P

Coming Out Of The Closet

I Am An Atheist

It took alot for me to finally come to this realization, decision or whatever you'd like to call it. For a long time, I've said I'm agnostic. I've never come to terms with religion and what I thought about the world around me, and how it all came to be.

My brain screams that there is no God. My mortality cries that there must be.
I've been scared for a long time in regard to my eternal damnation, and "saving my soul". Even now, when I write this, I feel the judgement from the eyes of imagined strangers who would read this blog.

I am constantly in awe of my surroundings, life in all its forms, and the millions upon millions of possibilities I have to choose from both internally and externally of how my life will play out. I don't feel any less moral than my religious counterparts. I constantly question all things, and I don't believe that my curiosity is going to be the end of me. It baffles me how people could take something as an ultimate truth with full conviction. I try to lead my life in the moment. I try to be compassionate and loving to my fellow human.

Am I evil because I believe there is no God? I like to think that if there was a God, in all his omnipotency and omnipresence; wouldn't he rather have his creations question life and its origins? If you had all of eternity, instead of these fleeting years on earth, and you created something that was self-conscious; Wouldn't you have joy in seeing the skeptic grow? Always questioning and always full of wonder? Say you spent your entire life according to the bible. God exists and when you meet him in your heaven, he asks: What did you learn on earth, if all you've done was something you were told to do? Are you any better than a robot, then? Don't we learn from our mistakes? Don't we grow and become better human beings from memories, experiences, heartache, trouble, and defeat? "Don't touch the stove, because it is hot." What the hell is hot? Do you have any concept of the pain until you actually oblige your curious mind? How can you live if you've been told what life is all about? If you already know all the answers, are you just waiting to die, for heaven?

I remember when I first began questioning religion and the concept of a God. My mother was Bisexual for a time. She had multiple relationships with women when I was growing up. According to alot of people, my mother is eternally damned. It seems that it doesn't matter what else my mother does with her life. It is now void because she has a desire for someone of the same sex. How is it anyone elses business what my mother, or anyone else for that matter, does in their life if it doesn't cause any harm whatsoever to others? Religion also damns women as a second-class citizen in society. I have first-hand experience of the mind of men who actually believe this. When I was serving my community service last year in a church, there was a group of men who gathered once a week to talk about "Man" things. A speaker actually said "I know guys, I know... When it comes to doing chores, cleaning or helping around the house, it's usually the woman's job. But really, it would help if once in awhile, mind you not too often, you should help just a bit." I looked around and there were men nodding their heads solemnly, as if this was some sort of epiphany for them. OF COURSE YOU SHOULD HELP AROUND THE HOUSE! It's your fucking house too! Marriage isn't some bond of slavery! That contract doesn't dictate that you have someone to clean your mess and bend to your will just because you have a dick between your legs. I was appalled how many people, in this day and age, still had ideals written down in the bronze age as something to abide by.

I've come to reject alot of what religion stands for, and things associated with it. I don't think I want to get married. I don't mind commitment, but... why put so much pressure on something as delicate as a relationship? I don't even know if I want children. I certainly don't want any within the next 15 years. Maybe some people just have that parental nature, but I just don't feel it. I want to change this world. I want to better our fleeting time here. They say the first two years to raise a child costs something like $28,000. What if I just invested that instead into something like an invention, or a charity? Maybe I'm just a loner. I like my privacy, and alot of the moments of contention i've had were when I was by myself, surrounded by my thoughts and the chaotic peace of the world. I want love, and I want relationships, but not with a sacrifice as to what I could achieve in the fleeting time I have on this planet.

I'm afraid to post this. I don't know who's going to judge me, but I feel like this is liberating. I'm scared that most people find Atheism to be synonymous with demons, rapists, murderers and thieves. I'm a good person, but I just have so little patience for people who are willing to kill for something they haven't questioned themselves.





Doesn't this picture make you want to just sigh with the beauty of it all? We are literally just an atom in the wind. Live your life, please. Enjoy it. Breath in the beautiful life around you. It won't last.