It took alot for me to finally come to this realization, decision or whatever you'd like to call it. For a long time, I've said I'm agnostic. I've never come to terms with religion and what I thought about the world around me, and how it all came to be.
My brain screams that there is no God. My mortality cries that there must be.
I've been scared for a long time in regard to my eternal damnation, and "saving my soul". Even now, when I write this, I feel the judgement from the eyes of imagined strangers who would read this blog.
I am constantly in awe of my surroundings, life in all its forms, and the millions upon millions of possibilities I have to choose from both internally and externally of how my life will play out. I don't feel any less moral than my religious counterparts. I constantly question all things, and I don't believe that my curiosity is going to be the end of me. It baffles me how people could take something as an ultimate truth with full conviction. I try to lead my life in the moment. I try to be compassionate and loving to my fellow human.
Am I evil because I believe there is no God? I like to think that if there was a God, in all his omnipotency and omnipresence; wouldn't he rather have his creations question life and its origins? If you had all of eternity, instead of these fleeting years on earth, and you created something that was self-conscious; Wouldn't you have joy in seeing the skeptic grow? Always questioning and always full of wonder? Say you spent your entire life according to the bible. God exists and when you meet him in your heaven, he asks: What did you learn on earth, if all you've done was something you were told to do? Are you any better than a robot, then? Don't we learn from our mistakes? Don't we grow and become better human beings from memories, experiences, heartache, trouble, and defeat? "Don't touch the stove, because it is hot." What the hell is hot? Do you have any concept of the pain until you actually oblige your curious mind? How can you live if you've been told what life is all about? If you already know all the answers, are you just waiting to die, for heaven?
I remember when I first began questioning religion and the concept of a God. My mother was Bisexual for a time. She had multiple relationships with women when I was growing up. According to alot of people, my mother is eternally damned. It seems that it doesn't matter what else my mother does with her life. It is now void because she has a desire for someone of the same sex. How is it anyone elses business what my mother, or anyone else for that matter, does in their life if it doesn't cause any harm whatsoever to others? Religion also damns women as a second-class citizen in society. I have first-hand experience of the mind of men who actually believe this. When I was serving my community service last year in a church, there was a group of men who gathered once a week to talk about "Man" things. A speaker actually said "I know guys, I know... When it comes to doing chores, cleaning or helping around the house, it's usually the woman's job. But really, it would help if once in awhile, mind you not too often, you should help just a bit." I looked around and there were men nodding their heads solemnly, as if this was some sort of epiphany for them. OF COURSE YOU SHOULD HELP AROUND THE HOUSE! It's your fucking house too! Marriage isn't some bond of slavery! That contract doesn't dictate that you have someone to clean your mess and bend to your will just because you have a dick between your legs. I was appalled how many people, in this day and age, still had ideals written down in the bronze age as something to abide by.
I've come to reject alot of what religion stands for, and things associated with it. I don't think I want to get married. I don't mind commitment, but... why put so much pressure on something as delicate as a relationship? I don't even know if I want children. I certainly don't want any within the next 15 years. Maybe some people just have that parental nature, but I just don't feel it. I want to change this world. I want to better our fleeting time here. They say the first two years to raise a child costs something like $28,000. What if I just invested that instead into something like an invention, or a charity? Maybe I'm just a loner. I like my privacy, and alot of the moments of contention i've had were when I was by myself, surrounded by my thoughts and the chaotic peace of the world. I want love, and I want relationships, but not with a sacrifice as to what I could achieve in the fleeting time I have on this planet.
I'm afraid to post this. I don't know who's going to judge me, but I feel like this is liberating. I'm scared that most people find Atheism to be synonymous with demons, rapists, murderers and thieves. I'm a good person, but I just have so little patience for people who are willing to kill for something they haven't questioned themselves.
Doesn't this picture make you want to just sigh with the beauty of it all? We are literally just an atom in the wind. Live your life, please. Enjoy it. Breath in the beautiful life around you. It won't last.
