Melissa Elena Olson-Lindsey was 46 years old on the day she passed. She is survived by her husband Frank Vernon Lindsey and 4 children; John, Audra, Frank, and David. In her last moments, she was told how loved she was by her husband, children, family and friends.
Mom, your personality was unmistakable; every single person you came in contact with, you treated with affection and love. Your noble outlook on life was a testament to your character. You were always a lighthouse in this dark world, reaching as far as possible to make strangers and loved ones alike feel welcome in whichever situation presented itself.
You had a tough life, Mom. You were in and out of Foster Homes as a child, and yet you still found it within yourself to not be jaded, to look at life through the eyes of one who believes that they will not be another statistic, that they will not let their past be the ruler of their future.
You fell in love with my father, Frank Vernon Lindsey. Together, you raised 4 beautiful children; John Lindsey, my big brother. I know you're proud of him, as all of us are. He's grown into a man who garners respect from his peers. Audra Lindsey, my loving and sweet older sister. She has grown into a beautiful woman who is taking the world at large, living to show the world that she has, within her, the ability to be whatever she chooses. Frank Vernon Lindsey, Jr., my brother and best friend; He has grown into a man you were proud to tell the world you raised. I fondly remember you telling your friends and through conversations with strangers how proud you are of your son who is in the Marine Corps. Finally, you raised me, Mom. I was your youngest. You were my rock growing up. You were the sentinel guarding me from the hurt and pain that awaited me out in the world.
You taught me Nobility, through your actions; even in the most dire of situations, you would not hesitate to give someone a helping hand. You gave me a thirst for knowledge, and curiosity. You taught me to be proud of who I am, and not to be ashamed to show the world my true colors. You taught me to think on my own, to question life and everything under the sun. I know what it means to be truly loved, unconditionally, thanks to you. I could be purple and 15 feet tall, and I would be happy in the knowledge that you loved me. I am proud to say I am a man, thanks to you. I am gentle, mom. I know how to love. I know compassion and nobility. I know beauty and wonder. I will not fail you. I am going to change this world, for the better. I will let strangers know they look beautiful, I will wish random people a happy day. I will help strangers out if they are going through a hardship. You are truly a beacon for the betterment of our broken society.
Your husband, Frank Lindsey, loves you, regardless of the things in your past. He was your partner in life, and love. Together, you defied the world as we know it, staying together all of these years even when society was not on your side. The two of you took vows, to love each other and share a life, no matter what happens. He was there with you through your last moments, showing you the love he felt and still feels.
It was your wish to travel, and you were a pursuer of the mysterious. Although you were never able to pick up and leave, never fear; you will always be with me as I take on the world and show them what it means to carry the name Lindsey. I am proud of you, Mom. Your love was given freely and it was something to be envious of. Some people may have taken advantage of that, but they can no longer hurt you. You are free from the bonds that govern our bodies.
I remember when you took in strangers from the street to give them a roof over their heads, even when it barely covered ours.
I remember conversations with your passengers who loved you to death, and fondly commented on what a beautiful person you are.
I remember coming home with a skinned knee, and you making it better in the way only mothers could.
I remember laying on your chest as you softly sang me to sleep.
I remember feeling like the world at large was mine for the taking as you proudly watched my siblings and I grow into ourselves.
I remember feeling invincible when you had your arms wrapped around me, protecting me from the monsters that haunted my sleep.
I remember, and I shall never forget.
The famous pacifist, Mahatma Ghandi, once said “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” You achieved this more beautifully than I could imagine. No matter what comment someone had about you, and about the way you freely spoke with people full of compassion and nobility, you were always open for more. It didn't matter what they had to say, in the sense that it made you a stronger person. I can never recreate the feeling I had when you told me you were proud of me. When you let me know your were happy of the man I had become. You were never afraid to speak your mind, and you were always quick to tell my siblings and I how loved we are. Without doubt, we had a few rough patches growing up, but we don't hold anything against you. We are all human, and we all have flaws. While I could not wrap my 11 year old mind around it at the time, and I was ungrateful at times, I will never forget the true bonding I felt when you, Audra, Frank, and myself were living in a van for a month. Going to sleep next to you with the ground below us and the stars above us, I was content. I will never forget your love.
You are immortal. You are the essence of the human spirit. You are what it means to be a Human. You are inside of me. You are inside of Dad, John, Audra, Frank, Lexi. You are inside of your brother Jack, and your sister Gabriel. You are the Sun, the Moon, and the Galaxy. As you once were, you shall now become; A part of the universe. I vow, as David Allen Lindsey, to never forget your voice, to never forget the way you would sing with abandon, to never forget the way you loved unconditionally.
I will love you, always.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Dying to live, Living to die.
Almost everything is pointing to me being able to attend college this coming semester :-). I'm currently looking for employment so I don't have to take out any student loans. Cheap community colleges for the win.
I'm currently living in a one-bedroom apartment with my parents, having a really uncomfortable sofa-bed to sleep in. But, I'm really grateful. Denver is beautiful. There's a lake literally a mile away from the house, and a nice little trail for bikes, horses and I can take my dog Lexi on it, which she seems to love. I'm feeling very hopeful for the future. Las Vegas had seemed to drain the life out of me, and it was an almost physical release when we finally moved.
I feel much more relaxed and at ease with myself. I've lost alot of friends this past year, but I gained an invaluable one. I realized my dad has been there for almost every hard time I went through. It was weird talking to him after graduating high school, he was an almost entirely different person. He talked to me like I was a friend, not as a child. It was comforting to have him believe in me, when not alot of people had. I was never really close to my family after about the age of 16, with me trying to be independent and all that. My brother and I drifted apart, I was losing alot of friends, and my other two siblings I had nothing in common with. I looked to my dad as a person who fed me and clothed me, but I really found the man behind the symbol of patriarch this past year. He's brilliant. He believed in me when I went through things I would've otherwise just given up on. I'm ashamed of how selfish I was for awhile there. It never occured to me that he was there with me, going through the same exact things. I am forever in debt to him. I'm glad we're on a different, and more hopeful, track. I found myself this past year, really. And he's helped me analyze who I wish to be when I grow gray with age.
This was a whole lot of rambling, but if you stayed with it, Thanks :-P
I'm currently living in a one-bedroom apartment with my parents, having a really uncomfortable sofa-bed to sleep in. But, I'm really grateful. Denver is beautiful. There's a lake literally a mile away from the house, and a nice little trail for bikes, horses and I can take my dog Lexi on it, which she seems to love. I'm feeling very hopeful for the future. Las Vegas had seemed to drain the life out of me, and it was an almost physical release when we finally moved.
I feel much more relaxed and at ease with myself. I've lost alot of friends this past year, but I gained an invaluable one. I realized my dad has been there for almost every hard time I went through. It was weird talking to him after graduating high school, he was an almost entirely different person. He talked to me like I was a friend, not as a child. It was comforting to have him believe in me, when not alot of people had. I was never really close to my family after about the age of 16, with me trying to be independent and all that. My brother and I drifted apart, I was losing alot of friends, and my other two siblings I had nothing in common with. I looked to my dad as a person who fed me and clothed me, but I really found the man behind the symbol of patriarch this past year. He's brilliant. He believed in me when I went through things I would've otherwise just given up on. I'm ashamed of how selfish I was for awhile there. It never occured to me that he was there with me, going through the same exact things. I am forever in debt to him. I'm glad we're on a different, and more hopeful, track. I found myself this past year, really. And he's helped me analyze who I wish to be when I grow gray with age.
This was a whole lot of rambling, but if you stayed with it, Thanks :-P
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Coming Out Of The Closet
I Am An Atheist
It took alot for me to finally come to this realization, decision or whatever you'd like to call it. For a long time, I've said I'm agnostic. I've never come to terms with religion and what I thought about the world around me, and how it all came to be.
My brain screams that there is no God. My mortality cries that there must be.
I've been scared for a long time in regard to my eternal damnation, and "saving my soul". Even now, when I write this, I feel the judgement from the eyes of imagined strangers who would read this blog.
I am constantly in awe of my surroundings, life in all its forms, and the millions upon millions of possibilities I have to choose from both internally and externally of how my life will play out. I don't feel any less moral than my religious counterparts. I constantly question all things, and I don't believe that my curiosity is going to be the end of me. It baffles me how people could take something as an ultimate truth with full conviction. I try to lead my life in the moment. I try to be compassionate and loving to my fellow human.
Am I evil because I believe there is no God? I like to think that if there was a God, in all his omnipotency and omnipresence; wouldn't he rather have his creations question life and its origins? If you had all of eternity, instead of these fleeting years on earth, and you created something that was self-conscious; Wouldn't you have joy in seeing the skeptic grow? Always questioning and always full of wonder? Say you spent your entire life according to the bible. God exists and when you meet him in your heaven, he asks: What did you learn on earth, if all you've done was something you were told to do? Are you any better than a robot, then? Don't we learn from our mistakes? Don't we grow and become better human beings from memories, experiences, heartache, trouble, and defeat? "Don't touch the stove, because it is hot." What the hell is hot? Do you have any concept of the pain until you actually oblige your curious mind? How can you live if you've been told what life is all about? If you already know all the answers, are you just waiting to die, for heaven?
I remember when I first began questioning religion and the concept of a God. My mother was Bisexual for a time. She had multiple relationships with women when I was growing up. According to alot of people, my mother is eternally damned. It seems that it doesn't matter what else my mother does with her life. It is now void because she has a desire for someone of the same sex. How is it anyone elses business what my mother, or anyone else for that matter, does in their life if it doesn't cause any harm whatsoever to others? Religion also damns women as a second-class citizen in society. I have first-hand experience of the mind of men who actually believe this. When I was serving my community service last year in a church, there was a group of men who gathered once a week to talk about "Man" things. A speaker actually said "I know guys, I know... When it comes to doing chores, cleaning or helping around the house, it's usually the woman's job. But really, it would help if once in awhile, mind you not too often, you should help just a bit." I looked around and there were men nodding their heads solemnly, as if this was some sort of epiphany for them. OF COURSE YOU SHOULD HELP AROUND THE HOUSE! It's your fucking house too! Marriage isn't some bond of slavery! That contract doesn't dictate that you have someone to clean your mess and bend to your will just because you have a dick between your legs. I was appalled how many people, in this day and age, still had ideals written down in the bronze age as something to abide by.
I've come to reject alot of what religion stands for, and things associated with it. I don't think I want to get married. I don't mind commitment, but... why put so much pressure on something as delicate as a relationship? I don't even know if I want children. I certainly don't want any within the next 15 years. Maybe some people just have that parental nature, but I just don't feel it. I want to change this world. I want to better our fleeting time here. They say the first two years to raise a child costs something like $28,000. What if I just invested that instead into something like an invention, or a charity? Maybe I'm just a loner. I like my privacy, and alot of the moments of contention i've had were when I was by myself, surrounded by my thoughts and the chaotic peace of the world. I want love, and I want relationships, but not with a sacrifice as to what I could achieve in the fleeting time I have on this planet.
I'm afraid to post this. I don't know who's going to judge me, but I feel like this is liberating. I'm scared that most people find Atheism to be synonymous with demons, rapists, murderers and thieves. I'm a good person, but I just have so little patience for people who are willing to kill for something they haven't questioned themselves.
Doesn't this picture make you want to just sigh with the beauty of it all? We are literally just an atom in the wind. Live your life, please. Enjoy it. Breath in the beautiful life around you. It won't last.
It took alot for me to finally come to this realization, decision or whatever you'd like to call it. For a long time, I've said I'm agnostic. I've never come to terms with religion and what I thought about the world around me, and how it all came to be.
My brain screams that there is no God. My mortality cries that there must be.
I've been scared for a long time in regard to my eternal damnation, and "saving my soul". Even now, when I write this, I feel the judgement from the eyes of imagined strangers who would read this blog.
I am constantly in awe of my surroundings, life in all its forms, and the millions upon millions of possibilities I have to choose from both internally and externally of how my life will play out. I don't feel any less moral than my religious counterparts. I constantly question all things, and I don't believe that my curiosity is going to be the end of me. It baffles me how people could take something as an ultimate truth with full conviction. I try to lead my life in the moment. I try to be compassionate and loving to my fellow human.
Am I evil because I believe there is no God? I like to think that if there was a God, in all his omnipotency and omnipresence; wouldn't he rather have his creations question life and its origins? If you had all of eternity, instead of these fleeting years on earth, and you created something that was self-conscious; Wouldn't you have joy in seeing the skeptic grow? Always questioning and always full of wonder? Say you spent your entire life according to the bible. God exists and when you meet him in your heaven, he asks: What did you learn on earth, if all you've done was something you were told to do? Are you any better than a robot, then? Don't we learn from our mistakes? Don't we grow and become better human beings from memories, experiences, heartache, trouble, and defeat? "Don't touch the stove, because it is hot." What the hell is hot? Do you have any concept of the pain until you actually oblige your curious mind? How can you live if you've been told what life is all about? If you already know all the answers, are you just waiting to die, for heaven?
I remember when I first began questioning religion and the concept of a God. My mother was Bisexual for a time. She had multiple relationships with women when I was growing up. According to alot of people, my mother is eternally damned. It seems that it doesn't matter what else my mother does with her life. It is now void because she has a desire for someone of the same sex. How is it anyone elses business what my mother, or anyone else for that matter, does in their life if it doesn't cause any harm whatsoever to others? Religion also damns women as a second-class citizen in society. I have first-hand experience of the mind of men who actually believe this. When I was serving my community service last year in a church, there was a group of men who gathered once a week to talk about "Man" things. A speaker actually said "I know guys, I know... When it comes to doing chores, cleaning or helping around the house, it's usually the woman's job. But really, it would help if once in awhile, mind you not too often, you should help just a bit." I looked around and there were men nodding their heads solemnly, as if this was some sort of epiphany for them. OF COURSE YOU SHOULD HELP AROUND THE HOUSE! It's your fucking house too! Marriage isn't some bond of slavery! That contract doesn't dictate that you have someone to clean your mess and bend to your will just because you have a dick between your legs. I was appalled how many people, in this day and age, still had ideals written down in the bronze age as something to abide by.
I've come to reject alot of what religion stands for, and things associated with it. I don't think I want to get married. I don't mind commitment, but... why put so much pressure on something as delicate as a relationship? I don't even know if I want children. I certainly don't want any within the next 15 years. Maybe some people just have that parental nature, but I just don't feel it. I want to change this world. I want to better our fleeting time here. They say the first two years to raise a child costs something like $28,000. What if I just invested that instead into something like an invention, or a charity? Maybe I'm just a loner. I like my privacy, and alot of the moments of contention i've had were when I was by myself, surrounded by my thoughts and the chaotic peace of the world. I want love, and I want relationships, but not with a sacrifice as to what I could achieve in the fleeting time I have on this planet.
I'm afraid to post this. I don't know who's going to judge me, but I feel like this is liberating. I'm scared that most people find Atheism to be synonymous with demons, rapists, murderers and thieves. I'm a good person, but I just have so little patience for people who are willing to kill for something they haven't questioned themselves.
Doesn't this picture make you want to just sigh with the beauty of it all? We are literally just an atom in the wind. Live your life, please. Enjoy it. Breath in the beautiful life around you. It won't last.
Friday, February 26, 2010
365 Days In Review
Almost to the day, one year ago my dad lost his job. My mom had already been unemployed since october, so things were already a bit tight, and very frustrating at times. So, it's been an entire year and let's try to sum up what has happened in my life. I honestly can't believe how much i've changed.
This time last year, I had three classes in Highschool and a part time job for the Mesa Public School system. It's crazy; I had economics, mythology, and my DECA class. That's all I had to do for school. Those three things. Go to work and help Deb and Kathleen out which was really simple, actually. Mostly just making their work-load a bit easier to bear, which I did gladly.
Let's see... February 2009.... I think I had just found out Robert had gotten Andi pregnant... Y'know what's wierd? He didn't want me to know, I think. Like I always thought I was his best friend, we had known each other for a good 7 years, and had been together all the time. But, I was just about the last to know in our close group of friends. I was still hanging out with Weston, I think he had just bought his motorcycle, which he was riding to school. I always thought that was pretty cool, heh :). It's wierd to look back and see how simple life seems to me now, but I just know it was hard on me then as life is hard on me now. Frank was in his schooling for Motor Vehicle Operator. I remember thinking how fast we were growing up, and how much me and him were drifting apart. That really hurts, to be honest... We were always the best of friends, since we moved alot as children, it was hard to get new friends every 7-12 months. I was still going to parties just about every weekend at this point. Drinking, and smoking.. trying my hardest to keep a lock on my childhood. It was as futile as trying to catch a waterfall in my hands. I just didn't want to let go. At all. I remember always having such good social skills, haha. Being so friendly, dancing with any girl that came near me. I think it was just the fact that I felt so innocent. Dancing was nothing, really. Just drinks and having a bit of fun.
I think it was march...... something.. when I had asked Christine to prom. It was a bit wierd, really. We were on the phone. I was laying down in my room, and we were talking about some thing or another. I forget how it came up... I think I said "Uh, yeah... i was going to ask you something..." and she said "Yes...?" all sweetly which was cute. I think she pulled it out of me to actually ask, and she said yes, which was a shock... but not so much in hindsight, haha. Teenage dreams are naive. The moment she said she'd go with me, my mind went a thousand miles a second, thinking up every scenario, doubting myself and the reasons we were going together, asking what this all meant to our friendship, wondering what robert and my brother thought. Hah. I remember she had gone to visit her sister, I believe. And had bought a dress when she was up there. It had to have been like a week or two after we had agreed to go together. And my thousand miles a second mind was getting cold feet. I had felt so bad because I was thinking of the other people I could go with, and how scared I was to actually go with this girl that I had feelings for for SO long. It really molded the way I was going to end up as a teenager, in hindsight. Haha, this all seems so long ago, and it's been less than a year. Just a couple of days before prom, my parents had moved to Las Vegas, and I moved into my sister Audra and her boyfriend Matt's house. Me and Christine had a conversation the week or so before how I was reading too much into it, that we were just going as friends. I remember when she came over to the house to pick me up (I didn't have transportation, haha.) When my sister first started to take pictures of the two of us, I remember not putting my arm around her, and just standing next to her haha. The same exact thing happened at her house, when her parents took pictures of us, and the rest of the prom group. I think I frustrated her, lol. She had to physically grab my arm and put it around her. Agh I was so clueless, haha. I enjoyed going, in the end. I just don't think I liked that all of her friends had an opinion of me before they even met me.
The last month of school was torture. It was really all my fault for being such a procrastinator, but I always tended to blame the world for my shortcomings, which was disastrous. I had to save money from work to pay for textbooks I had never turned in during my highschool years. I was literally at the deadline as to whether or not I was going to graduate when it came to paying my debt. But ultimately, it was very liberating. My brother Frank had come out, along with my parents, to see my graduation. It was nice to see them after feeling so abandoned for the last month or so. (Sidenote: Oh my god, I had known nothing about loneliness and heartache, but in the coming months, I was soon to find out!!)
The weekend of the graduation, I think it was a Saturday. My brother Frank was with me, and we had gone to a small party at Taylor's house. This was the day where I got to drinking, and all of my boy-shyness and inhibitions went out the window. I literally stayed up the entire night talking to christine. I think our conversation included how beautiful I thought it was that women could simply hold life within themselves, and about gangster rap, massages (Christine fucking manhandled me!), all until I was so out of it that I just started falling half-asleep. But it was definitely a night I will never forget. :).
The month in-between was pretty awesome. I was on cloud nine. I can't believe how great I felt. I had friends around me, I was falling in love with christine again, I had community service to do, Weston was going to bootcamp, so he asked if I wanted to go to California with him, which was unbelieveable. I snuck into Arizona State University's stadium, which was something I will absolutely hold with me forever, I think was really opening up to Christine, telling her how I felt about life, love, and my insane outlook on life. But with every high-note in life, it comes with the low. The sweet to the bitter... Ahhh... I went from the very top to a horrible state of mind. Christine and I inevitably dated for a few weeks. I was gone most of the time, at my parents in Las Vegas. I think we spent a total of 4 days together. Which was really depressing in hindsight :-P. But it was sweet. Very, very sweet. It was the culmination of what I had been hoping against hope for, for the past 4 years. She broke up with me in the month of July, 2009. Her reason was she was tired of saying goodbye to me. She couldnt take anymore of me playing stupid games for attention.
The next months were absolutely dreadful. From september 12th, the day after my birthday, until around January 20th. I was in a horrible state of mind. I had to donate plasma to help my family make ends meet, my brother was in Afghanistan, I was stuck in the house almost every day. I had no friends, I could talk to absolutely no one. I was so hungry for conversation. I was scared of telling my Dad how I really felt about my future, and how bleak I felt about the onset of my life. My mom was drinking just about every single day, drinking away money that we didn't have. I contacted my first friend from Arizona; after 2 months of being so low. I was really hating myself, hating my life, and hating the future that was being laid bare before my eyes. I went from an Air Force recruiter to a Navy one. It's funny how all I really ever wanted to do was go to college. That's why I wanted to join the military. Simply for college. I'm not going to be stuck in life, I'm going to try my hardest to reach my full potential. I studied alot for the ASVAB, to get into the navy's Nuclear Propulsion program; the hardest the U.S. Military has to offer. I passed everything they asked me to do. I recieved a 92 on my ASVAB, and I passed the Navy's Advance Placment Test. I was absolutely candidate material. My future looked bright, and I was thinking how no matter what has happened in the past, I can always make my future brighter. But unfortunately I found out I couldn't. Bad grades in Highschool determined that I was unfit to join the Nuclear Propulsion program. I was devastated. Let's rewind back to January 16th of this year. I was in Arizona, and I was at Audra's house for the second day. I had gone to a party with my friends the night before, and a hookah bar that night. This was the culmination of all the events of the past year. I finally told my dad how I was feeling. I told him I was thinking of suicide almost daily. I had never cried to hard in my entire life. I told him how frustrating it was for me to take all of the stress. How I hadn't slept in a bed for over a year, how angry I was that I had to even turn to the military to get my life started. How hurt I was that Christine didn't want to see me when I visited Arizona. But I can't blame her; I'm just more stress. I must've cried and talked to my dad for about 3 hours. I just let it all out. I'm very glad I did, though. He told me about his past experiences, how hard life can be, and it's only as rewarding as I make it.
Overall, this was definitely the worst year of my entire life. Absolutely. But I hope that after such a bitter year, I can have a sweet one. I'm still confused as to love, and how lonely I am. It's wierd though. I want someone, but I don't. I know that I can't commit to anything until I'm out of college, which is more than likely not for another 6 years. This time has got to be fleeting..... I'm just lonely. It sucks, but who isn't lonely?
Peace and Love,
David.
This time last year, I had three classes in Highschool and a part time job for the Mesa Public School system. It's crazy; I had economics, mythology, and my DECA class. That's all I had to do for school. Those three things. Go to work and help Deb and Kathleen out which was really simple, actually. Mostly just making their work-load a bit easier to bear, which I did gladly.
Let's see... February 2009.... I think I had just found out Robert had gotten Andi pregnant... Y'know what's wierd? He didn't want me to know, I think. Like I always thought I was his best friend, we had known each other for a good 7 years, and had been together all the time. But, I was just about the last to know in our close group of friends. I was still hanging out with Weston, I think he had just bought his motorcycle, which he was riding to school. I always thought that was pretty cool, heh :). It's wierd to look back and see how simple life seems to me now, but I just know it was hard on me then as life is hard on me now. Frank was in his schooling for Motor Vehicle Operator. I remember thinking how fast we were growing up, and how much me and him were drifting apart. That really hurts, to be honest... We were always the best of friends, since we moved alot as children, it was hard to get new friends every 7-12 months. I was still going to parties just about every weekend at this point. Drinking, and smoking.. trying my hardest to keep a lock on my childhood. It was as futile as trying to catch a waterfall in my hands. I just didn't want to let go. At all. I remember always having such good social skills, haha. Being so friendly, dancing with any girl that came near me. I think it was just the fact that I felt so innocent. Dancing was nothing, really. Just drinks and having a bit of fun.
I think it was march...... something.. when I had asked Christine to prom. It was a bit wierd, really. We were on the phone. I was laying down in my room, and we were talking about some thing or another. I forget how it came up... I think I said "Uh, yeah... i was going to ask you something..." and she said "Yes...?" all sweetly which was cute. I think she pulled it out of me to actually ask, and she said yes, which was a shock... but not so much in hindsight, haha. Teenage dreams are naive. The moment she said she'd go with me, my mind went a thousand miles a second, thinking up every scenario, doubting myself and the reasons we were going together, asking what this all meant to our friendship, wondering what robert and my brother thought. Hah. I remember she had gone to visit her sister, I believe. And had bought a dress when she was up there. It had to have been like a week or two after we had agreed to go together. And my thousand miles a second mind was getting cold feet. I had felt so bad because I was thinking of the other people I could go with, and how scared I was to actually go with this girl that I had feelings for for SO long. It really molded the way I was going to end up as a teenager, in hindsight. Haha, this all seems so long ago, and it's been less than a year. Just a couple of days before prom, my parents had moved to Las Vegas, and I moved into my sister Audra and her boyfriend Matt's house. Me and Christine had a conversation the week or so before how I was reading too much into it, that we were just going as friends. I remember when she came over to the house to pick me up (I didn't have transportation, haha.) When my sister first started to take pictures of the two of us, I remember not putting my arm around her, and just standing next to her haha. The same exact thing happened at her house, when her parents took pictures of us, and the rest of the prom group. I think I frustrated her, lol. She had to physically grab my arm and put it around her. Agh I was so clueless, haha. I enjoyed going, in the end. I just don't think I liked that all of her friends had an opinion of me before they even met me.
The last month of school was torture. It was really all my fault for being such a procrastinator, but I always tended to blame the world for my shortcomings, which was disastrous. I had to save money from work to pay for textbooks I had never turned in during my highschool years. I was literally at the deadline as to whether or not I was going to graduate when it came to paying my debt. But ultimately, it was very liberating. My brother Frank had come out, along with my parents, to see my graduation. It was nice to see them after feeling so abandoned for the last month or so. (Sidenote: Oh my god, I had known nothing about loneliness and heartache, but in the coming months, I was soon to find out!!)
The weekend of the graduation, I think it was a Saturday. My brother Frank was with me, and we had gone to a small party at Taylor's house. This was the day where I got to drinking, and all of my boy-shyness and inhibitions went out the window. I literally stayed up the entire night talking to christine. I think our conversation included how beautiful I thought it was that women could simply hold life within themselves, and about gangster rap, massages (Christine fucking manhandled me!), all until I was so out of it that I just started falling half-asleep. But it was definitely a night I will never forget. :).
The month in-between was pretty awesome. I was on cloud nine. I can't believe how great I felt. I had friends around me, I was falling in love with christine again, I had community service to do, Weston was going to bootcamp, so he asked if I wanted to go to California with him, which was unbelieveable. I snuck into Arizona State University's stadium, which was something I will absolutely hold with me forever, I think was really opening up to Christine, telling her how I felt about life, love, and my insane outlook on life. But with every high-note in life, it comes with the low. The sweet to the bitter... Ahhh... I went from the very top to a horrible state of mind. Christine and I inevitably dated for a few weeks. I was gone most of the time, at my parents in Las Vegas. I think we spent a total of 4 days together. Which was really depressing in hindsight :-P. But it was sweet. Very, very sweet. It was the culmination of what I had been hoping against hope for, for the past 4 years. She broke up with me in the month of July, 2009. Her reason was she was tired of saying goodbye to me. She couldnt take anymore of me playing stupid games for attention.
The next months were absolutely dreadful. From september 12th, the day after my birthday, until around January 20th. I was in a horrible state of mind. I had to donate plasma to help my family make ends meet, my brother was in Afghanistan, I was stuck in the house almost every day. I had no friends, I could talk to absolutely no one. I was so hungry for conversation. I was scared of telling my Dad how I really felt about my future, and how bleak I felt about the onset of my life. My mom was drinking just about every single day, drinking away money that we didn't have. I contacted my first friend from Arizona; after 2 months of being so low. I was really hating myself, hating my life, and hating the future that was being laid bare before my eyes. I went from an Air Force recruiter to a Navy one. It's funny how all I really ever wanted to do was go to college. That's why I wanted to join the military. Simply for college. I'm not going to be stuck in life, I'm going to try my hardest to reach my full potential. I studied alot for the ASVAB, to get into the navy's Nuclear Propulsion program; the hardest the U.S. Military has to offer. I passed everything they asked me to do. I recieved a 92 on my ASVAB, and I passed the Navy's Advance Placment Test. I was absolutely candidate material. My future looked bright, and I was thinking how no matter what has happened in the past, I can always make my future brighter. But unfortunately I found out I couldn't. Bad grades in Highschool determined that I was unfit to join the Nuclear Propulsion program. I was devastated. Let's rewind back to January 16th of this year. I was in Arizona, and I was at Audra's house for the second day. I had gone to a party with my friends the night before, and a hookah bar that night. This was the culmination of all the events of the past year. I finally told my dad how I was feeling. I told him I was thinking of suicide almost daily. I had never cried to hard in my entire life. I told him how frustrating it was for me to take all of the stress. How I hadn't slept in a bed for over a year, how angry I was that I had to even turn to the military to get my life started. How hurt I was that Christine didn't want to see me when I visited Arizona. But I can't blame her; I'm just more stress. I must've cried and talked to my dad for about 3 hours. I just let it all out. I'm very glad I did, though. He told me about his past experiences, how hard life can be, and it's only as rewarding as I make it.
Overall, this was definitely the worst year of my entire life. Absolutely. But I hope that after such a bitter year, I can have a sweet one. I'm still confused as to love, and how lonely I am. It's wierd though. I want someone, but I don't. I know that I can't commit to anything until I'm out of college, which is more than likely not for another 6 years. This time has got to be fleeting..... I'm just lonely. It sucks, but who isn't lonely?
Peace and Love,
David.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Taking it one day at a time.
I've noticed that i've been thinking big on alot of my goals recently. I think too far into the future, it seems. I get the plan, I understand how to do it.. But I end up never starting it. So I guess im going to try and take things as they come now.
Get out of here.The rest comes later.
Sigh, here comes the leap of faith.
Get out of here.The rest comes later.
Sigh, here comes the leap of faith.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
20 Questions pertaining to life.
1. Why is there poverty and suffering in the world?
Because few reign over many, through greed and this never-ending pursuit to further oneself in the short years we have.
2. What is the relationship between science and religion?
Religion is an extreme philosophy. A belief pertaining to the why. I guess I'd say science is the same, but doesn't persecute, or give up by saying "It simply is."
3. Why are so many people depressed?
Finding no meaning in life. Monuments to greed and flash are projected into everyday life, which people see and think: I want that. They either don't work hard enough, or give up too early.
4. What are we all so afraid of?
I think a majority of people are scared of what comes after death
5. When is war justifiable?
Never. Defense is justifiable, but any actions against another people for gain is not
6. How would God want us to respond to aggression and terrorism?
By not being so singular in our views. We see them as these horrible barbarians, as some sort of animal. Each country has a history, and each country has a reason to do what they do. These terrorists are a movement that have a militant background.
7. How does one obtain true peace?
Within themselves.
8. What does it mean to live in the present moment?
I guess I'd say it means to lost ambition, to fill oneself with simple pleasure. Taking what you get out of life and not letting it bother you, I guess.
9. What is our greatest distraction?
The Media.
10. Is current religion serving its purpose?
No.
11. What happens to you after you die?
I either become nutrition for the circle of life, or I keep this voice inside my head and leave my body to go to some sort of enlightened state.
12. Describe heaven and how to get there.
I see heaven as earth without boundaries set by birth, religion, class, or monetary value. Where the black and white hold hands and hug one another, where homosexual/bisexual look to heterosexuals with respect, not fear. Where each of us can fulfill a personalized destiny, so to speak.
13. What is the meaning of life?
To simply live, and be at peace with oneself and their surroundings.
14. Describe God.
God...... is not some sort of lightning-bolt throwing, wrath-inducing, angry human. If you controlled the entirety of existence, would you really care if a person had sex before marriage? If one of your creations fell in deep love and pursued a relationship with someone of the same sex? We're not that important. We are an atom in the wind that is this universe.
15. What is the greatest quality humans possess?
Hope and Inspiration.
16. What is it that prevents people from living to their full potential?
Not enough hard work, conformity, giving up on their dreams. DON'T EVER LET SOMEONE TELL YOU CHILDHOOD DREAMS ARE UNACHIEVABLE BECAUSE THEY NEVER FULFILLED THEIRS.
17. Noverbally, by motion or gesture only, act out what you believe to be the current condition of the world.
(5 minute interpretive dance of a master using puppet strings, and the poor of the world dancing around, desperately trying to cut the strings that tie them to the masters' will.)
18. What is your one wish for the world?
If I could live out one dream in my life, it is to at least help one person on this earth know that all we have to depend on is hope, and inspiration. We can get through. We can win. We can succeed. No matter what you put your mind to, you can achieve it. The human mind is a beautiful thing, although to make change it often takes a different path of mind, a different way to see something. Please take a moment to stand back, outside of yourself as in the third person to look at your surroundings, to look within yourself and ask "Is this the way I want to live? Would I be happy If I was here in 5 years? 10 years?" If not, make some changes. Don't be afraid. Please, please, please do not be afraid. Change is hard, but it is necessary. If you don't make changes to alter your life for your vision of where you would like it to be, you will always only day-dream about it, or think about it like some sort of luggage or parasite that eats away at you. Move and shift with your environment to better your life.
19. What is wisdom and how do we gain it?
Wisdom is simply education without boundaries. The why, and what. Not the this is that because of this and that. We have gone many, many, many years as a race without formal education, and yes formal education helps immensely, but when it comes to answers and questions about LIFE, not specialized information drilled into every 5-18 year old' head like some assembly line to grow up and pay taxes and work at this job to help the "society." Wisdom simply is.
20. Are we all one?
Absolutely, positively yes. I Do not care where you come from, I do not care where you're going. I am your brother, I am your fellow man. We have the same blood flowing through our veins, we have the same lungs, heart, liver, stomach, hands, feet, fingers, toes. We are human. Give me a generation of babies born without prejudice drilled into themselves and I will give a reason for life. Them. That we are not doomed as a species. We are all animals, except we hate one another. The human beings capacity for hate is appalling. Why do you really care if someone of color crosses the imaginary lines on this beautiful earth into your 'country'? Does it really hurt you personally if two people of the same sex marry? Are pot-smoking teenagers going to ruin this society? Give your fellow man a break. They're living just like you. They want to get married, have kids, go to college, see the world. They do not have some evil plot in mind to flip the world upside down. I'm sure I can label every single person on this planet, and find some way to twist their goal in life to make it seem evil to the 'majority'. Let people live. Let people live in peace. Love is what we have. Hug and Kiss and rejoice with your community, regardless who's in it and where they came from.
Peace and Love
-David Lindsey
Because few reign over many, through greed and this never-ending pursuit to further oneself in the short years we have.
2. What is the relationship between science and religion?
Religion is an extreme philosophy. A belief pertaining to the why. I guess I'd say science is the same, but doesn't persecute, or give up by saying "It simply is."
3. Why are so many people depressed?
Finding no meaning in life. Monuments to greed and flash are projected into everyday life, which people see and think: I want that. They either don't work hard enough, or give up too early.
4. What are we all so afraid of?
I think a majority of people are scared of what comes after death
5. When is war justifiable?
Never. Defense is justifiable, but any actions against another people for gain is not
6. How would God want us to respond to aggression and terrorism?
By not being so singular in our views. We see them as these horrible barbarians, as some sort of animal. Each country has a history, and each country has a reason to do what they do. These terrorists are a movement that have a militant background.
7. How does one obtain true peace?
Within themselves.
8. What does it mean to live in the present moment?
I guess I'd say it means to lost ambition, to fill oneself with simple pleasure. Taking what you get out of life and not letting it bother you, I guess.
9. What is our greatest distraction?
The Media.
10. Is current religion serving its purpose?
No.
11. What happens to you after you die?
I either become nutrition for the circle of life, or I keep this voice inside my head and leave my body to go to some sort of enlightened state.
12. Describe heaven and how to get there.
I see heaven as earth without boundaries set by birth, religion, class, or monetary value. Where the black and white hold hands and hug one another, where homosexual/bisexual look to heterosexuals with respect, not fear. Where each of us can fulfill a personalized destiny, so to speak.
13. What is the meaning of life?
To simply live, and be at peace with oneself and their surroundings.
14. Describe God.
God...... is not some sort of lightning-bolt throwing, wrath-inducing, angry human. If you controlled the entirety of existence, would you really care if a person had sex before marriage? If one of your creations fell in deep love and pursued a relationship with someone of the same sex? We're not that important. We are an atom in the wind that is this universe.
15. What is the greatest quality humans possess?
Hope and Inspiration.
16. What is it that prevents people from living to their full potential?
Not enough hard work, conformity, giving up on their dreams. DON'T EVER LET SOMEONE TELL YOU CHILDHOOD DREAMS ARE UNACHIEVABLE BECAUSE THEY NEVER FULFILLED THEIRS.
17. Noverbally, by motion or gesture only, act out what you believe to be the current condition of the world.
(5 minute interpretive dance of a master using puppet strings, and the poor of the world dancing around, desperately trying to cut the strings that tie them to the masters' will.)
18. What is your one wish for the world?
If I could live out one dream in my life, it is to at least help one person on this earth know that all we have to depend on is hope, and inspiration. We can get through. We can win. We can succeed. No matter what you put your mind to, you can achieve it. The human mind is a beautiful thing, although to make change it often takes a different path of mind, a different way to see something. Please take a moment to stand back, outside of yourself as in the third person to look at your surroundings, to look within yourself and ask "Is this the way I want to live? Would I be happy If I was here in 5 years? 10 years?" If not, make some changes. Don't be afraid. Please, please, please do not be afraid. Change is hard, but it is necessary. If you don't make changes to alter your life for your vision of where you would like it to be, you will always only day-dream about it, or think about it like some sort of luggage or parasite that eats away at you. Move and shift with your environment to better your life.
19. What is wisdom and how do we gain it?
Wisdom is simply education without boundaries. The why, and what. Not the this is that because of this and that. We have gone many, many, many years as a race without formal education, and yes formal education helps immensely, but when it comes to answers and questions about LIFE, not specialized information drilled into every 5-18 year old' head like some assembly line to grow up and pay taxes and work at this job to help the "society." Wisdom simply is.
20. Are we all one?
Absolutely, positively yes. I Do not care where you come from, I do not care where you're going. I am your brother, I am your fellow man. We have the same blood flowing through our veins, we have the same lungs, heart, liver, stomach, hands, feet, fingers, toes. We are human. Give me a generation of babies born without prejudice drilled into themselves and I will give a reason for life. Them. That we are not doomed as a species. We are all animals, except we hate one another. The human beings capacity for hate is appalling. Why do you really care if someone of color crosses the imaginary lines on this beautiful earth into your 'country'? Does it really hurt you personally if two people of the same sex marry? Are pot-smoking teenagers going to ruin this society? Give your fellow man a break. They're living just like you. They want to get married, have kids, go to college, see the world. They do not have some evil plot in mind to flip the world upside down. I'm sure I can label every single person on this planet, and find some way to twist their goal in life to make it seem evil to the 'majority'. Let people live. Let people live in peace. Love is what we have. Hug and Kiss and rejoice with your community, regardless who's in it and where they came from.
Peace and Love
-David Lindsey
Saturday, August 1, 2009
The end of summer draws near
This has been by far the best summer of my life. There have been unbelieveable high notes, and a few devastating bad decisions.
I've never felt so alive.
I've had the time of my life, i've been sick as a dog, i've done almost everything on my list of 100, i've seen my parents, and i've said my goodbyes. I'm as ready as i'll ever be when it comes to growing up so i'm just ready to go.
I should've been gone more than a month ago, but like in everyone else's lives, we make decisions that we couldn't have forseen making such a difference even a month in the future. /shrug. It was worth it.
Times are a-changin' and I guess it's my time to flow with river of life and let go of this rock called childhood i've been holding onto.
Oh, but before I go, i'd like to make a few notes on the novel i've just finished reading which I enjoyed immensely. The Grapes of Wrath. At first I was a bit hesitant as to whether or not I should read it, but I had a long bus ride so I made the most of it. It was pretty amazing. It really touched me, I saw how the characters represented the human spirit, at least to me. They simply lived, looking for the best way for them to survive. A few of them talked about "a-studyin'" as if it were some unheard of thing. I thought it particularly endearing the way we tend to take advantage of one another, as human beings. The representative of the bank came to each family to tell them they had to leave the land. The land that they lived on, the land that their fathers and their fathers' father had lived on. The representative talked of the bank as if it were some monster. He wasn't anything, he wasn't even a part of it. He says: If he could let them stay there, he would. And the local who plowed their land with a tractor, how he was just thinking of his family and himself. (Usually a very noble cause, until you're harming your own community to feed your family.) I loved how Steinbeck illustrates the entire era. Be it a waitress working in a restraunt on Route 66, or the Okies migrating to the 'Golden' state. For me, this book really went to heart. The fallacy of man it seems to me. It's quite beautiful. Well I wasn't able to touch all points on the topic, but I've got to run.
Peace and Love.
-David Lindsey
I've never felt so alive.
I've had the time of my life, i've been sick as a dog, i've done almost everything on my list of 100, i've seen my parents, and i've said my goodbyes. I'm as ready as i'll ever be when it comes to growing up so i'm just ready to go.
I should've been gone more than a month ago, but like in everyone else's lives, we make decisions that we couldn't have forseen making such a difference even a month in the future. /shrug. It was worth it.
Times are a-changin' and I guess it's my time to flow with river of life and let go of this rock called childhood i've been holding onto.
Oh, but before I go, i'd like to make a few notes on the novel i've just finished reading which I enjoyed immensely. The Grapes of Wrath. At first I was a bit hesitant as to whether or not I should read it, but I had a long bus ride so I made the most of it. It was pretty amazing. It really touched me, I saw how the characters represented the human spirit, at least to me. They simply lived, looking for the best way for them to survive. A few of them talked about "a-studyin'" as if it were some unheard of thing. I thought it particularly endearing the way we tend to take advantage of one another, as human beings. The representative of the bank came to each family to tell them they had to leave the land. The land that they lived on, the land that their fathers and their fathers' father had lived on. The representative talked of the bank as if it were some monster. He wasn't anything, he wasn't even a part of it. He says: If he could let them stay there, he would. And the local who plowed their land with a tractor, how he was just thinking of his family and himself. (Usually a very noble cause, until you're harming your own community to feed your family.) I loved how Steinbeck illustrates the entire era. Be it a waitress working in a restraunt on Route 66, or the Okies migrating to the 'Golden' state. For me, this book really went to heart. The fallacy of man it seems to me. It's quite beautiful. Well I wasn't able to touch all points on the topic, but I've got to run.
Peace and Love.
-David Lindsey
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