Tuesday, September 11, 2012
The Things I Meant To Say
Hi mom. I turned 21 today. So much has happened in the past 7 months, mom. Life has been speeding past my eyes faster than I can keep up. I miss you every single moment. I feel so bad for all the time I took advantage of having you around. I should have called you more often. I should have told you I loved you, when I knew that was the only thing in this world that you wanted. You were so hurt, so often. Your life was such a tragedy. It was tinged with destruction and pain, although there were great moments in it as well. I just want you to be happy. I wanted you to be proud of me, I wanted to show you the change I can make in this world.
Something happened that may be a surprise to you. Something I told you would never happen, but it inevitably did; I fell in love. She is a wonderful woman, who takes my breath away. I understand your point of view now, mom. How you said I would understand one day what it means to feel and give love. It's so addicting. I have a hard time containing all of this emotion coursing through my veins. She is beautiful, kind, funny, so damn smart, and she makes me smile every single day. I would be lost without her. She helped me when I was trying my hardest to cope with losing you. You would have loved to have met her. She came to Audra's wedding. Everyone loved her.
I know dad misses you, so much. When we first found out, one of the first things he said to me was; "I don't know what to do. I've spent half of my life with her. I am so lost right now." He loved you so much, mom. I wish we could have all showed you a little bit better how much you meant to us.
I'm going to make this world a little bit brighter some day, mom. And it's for you. So people don't have to have such heartache and tragedy throughout their fleeting time on this planet. I miss you, and love you.
Love, David.
Monday, April 23, 2012
The Hunt
It starts in my toes
Begins in my bones
Like the wind rustling
fall leaves
Is the way you leave me
Breathless and with a
smile below my eyes
Telling you it is all just
fine
The gleaming intensity of
your gaze
I am anything but unfazed.
The way you move reminds
me of the moon
Gently floating across the
room
Like a dark huntress
you've snared my heart
Coyly bashful you don't
know what you do to me
It's fine, I don't mind
Being the prey in the
wonderful game.
-David Lindsey
This is the first poem I've written that I actually enjoy. I hope you do as well.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Childhood Memories
I was talking to someone very close to me recently, and the subject of childhood came up. It got me thinking of how I grew up and what it means to me. So, this is a summary of my childhood. Enjoy.
I used to think a lot on my childhood, and what I would do differently if I ever had the chance to go back and change things. I was born in California, and I was the youngest of 4 children. At 18 months old, I drowned and was in a coma for 3 days. I didn't know this until I was about 9, when my mom mentioned it. Before the age of 10, my family had moved close to 8 times. We've gone from California, to Washington, back to California, then to another part of california, then to Washington. All before I was a decade old. Within washington we moved 4 times. I remember living across the street from a lake, in an apartment complex. Those were good times. Even though it rained a hell of a lot, and that was probably detrimental to me socializing, especially with me moving quite a lot and having to make new friends so often. I took up reading around that age. I would spend most of my time inside reading a novel and getting wrapped up in it. I was a fucking sponge for knowledge and little facts of science and history. I would watch documentaries on physics with my dad, staying up late in the night.
We were poor. I'd like to put that simply, even though it was hard to understand growing up. I went some days without dinner. I shopped at thrift stores and felt ashamed because my peers thought that hand me downs were "gross". We recieved food and charity from local churches and food banks. We were on foodstamps for a time, as well. Growing up, my brother and I were attached at the hip. We are 20 months apart, look a lot alike, and couldn't get enough of each other. We would goad one another into doing daring things, and we spent our time together doing bullshit kid things. We would hide in tunnels where bums slept, we would throw rocks at oncoming traffic, and dive into murky ponds even though it was freezing out and we were barely 100 lbs soaking wet.
After washington, we moved to Arizona. I was 11 when we made the trip. My dad stayed in Washington to finish up things for his job, while my siblings and my mom took a van down. It was a hard move. It was the middle of the summer, and coming from washington to Arizona, it was a stark difference. I remember we did not have AC in the van, and we would keep the windows rolled up until we were sweating, as if in a sauna, then roll them down and let the breeze of the highway cool our bodies. I remember reflecting upon how the air itself was hot. It felt stuffy and I did not like it. We slept in that van for a long while, until we were able to get our own place. We only stayed in that place for about a month, before my dad finally came down to Arizona. While we were sleeping in the van, my mom would drop us kids off at the pool, and we spent hours everyday there. I never really thought about it, but my mom was probably begging or looking for some way to get help for us. I'm ashamed to talk about it now, but I remember my mom asking, begging, me to go with her to panhandle, as people who see a mother with a child are more lenient, and likely to give us the money we desperately needed.
We ended up in Mesa, Arizona. About a 30 minute drive from Phoenix. I was to go to Poston Junior High, for the 7th grade. School had already started a month ago, but seeing how we were living mostly out of a van, we didn't start for awhile. I remember being so young and so lonely. I wanted friends so fucking badly. I spent so much time in my own head, analyzing social interactions like a fucking robot. Self esteem issues were rampant in my psyche, feeling little self worth for some odd reason. I would ride my bike to Tempe, where Arizona State University is located. There's a lake there, and I would spend a lot of time gazing over the water thinking what I wanted to be when I grew up. In school, besides being in my head all the time, I would read through every single class. I would listen with one ear, being aware enough of my surroundings to do well on tests, but oblivious to everything else. It was easy, so I would not give any attempt to do well.
We moved 6 times during my middle school years. Thankfully, my dad finally put his foot down and promised that we would stay in the same school dsitrict until I finished highschool. I was sacrificed to social pariah in the 9th grade. My best friend at the time thought it would be funny as an april fool's joke to say that I recieved In School Suspension for masturbating in class. 3 hours later at lunch, the whole school was talking about it. It sucked, because no amount of reasoning would sway these adamant 14 year olds. But meh, such is life. I fell in love with a girl named Christine Adams. She was everything I wanted, and I made it painfully obvious. It's excruciating to look back on the way I acted. I was so pathetic. I ended up going to highschool and finally blossomed into the whole "not giving a single fuck" attitude. Someone didn't like me? "Shrug". It really ended up being in my favor, as teenagers seem to idolize the whole apathetic attitude.
I'm sure i'm painting a picture of someone who LARPs and has weird t-shirts and all that jazz, but it's honestly not the case. I drank with friends, I had my first girlfriend at 16, I was, to be honest, "cool". But not in the popular sense of "rich, therefor I have something people envy", but I was a good friend, I made jokes and was playful, and I was often the one with the best advice and ideas in my group of friends. So through being sincere, apathetic and humorous, highschool flew by. We moved 3 times during my highschool career. Shit happened, I was lonely a few times because I never really made an effort to correct my "forever aloneness". I thought girls didn't like me, but looking back it was obvious I just didn't see the signs. But, as mentioned earlier, such is life. The most growing up I did was when I lived with my sister my senior year. As evident in my blog, I was beginning to really bloom into the man I had envisioned I would become in the future (Although, to be honest, the military me isn't what I had thought.). I was going to school for 3 hours, then working as a secretary for the school district for 3 hours every day. Life was easy, and good to me.
When I think back on all of the heart ache and shit I went through to become an adult, I can't help but smile. Sure, I was hungry sometimes. (I remember when I lived with my sister, I had to find pennies on the ground so I could go get a single top ramen package to eat for that day.) I cried a few times, I had my heart broken a few times, and I was sure the world was going to end a few times. But, that's what growing up is. And I wouldn't trade it for the world. So, that's me, Katie. This is who David Allen Lindsey is. Welcome to my mind, I suppose?
I used to think a lot on my childhood, and what I would do differently if I ever had the chance to go back and change things. I was born in California, and I was the youngest of 4 children. At 18 months old, I drowned and was in a coma for 3 days. I didn't know this until I was about 9, when my mom mentioned it. Before the age of 10, my family had moved close to 8 times. We've gone from California, to Washington, back to California, then to another part of california, then to Washington. All before I was a decade old. Within washington we moved 4 times. I remember living across the street from a lake, in an apartment complex. Those were good times. Even though it rained a hell of a lot, and that was probably detrimental to me socializing, especially with me moving quite a lot and having to make new friends so often. I took up reading around that age. I would spend most of my time inside reading a novel and getting wrapped up in it. I was a fucking sponge for knowledge and little facts of science and history. I would watch documentaries on physics with my dad, staying up late in the night.
We were poor. I'd like to put that simply, even though it was hard to understand growing up. I went some days without dinner. I shopped at thrift stores and felt ashamed because my peers thought that hand me downs were "gross". We recieved food and charity from local churches and food banks. We were on foodstamps for a time, as well. Growing up, my brother and I were attached at the hip. We are 20 months apart, look a lot alike, and couldn't get enough of each other. We would goad one another into doing daring things, and we spent our time together doing bullshit kid things. We would hide in tunnels where bums slept, we would throw rocks at oncoming traffic, and dive into murky ponds even though it was freezing out and we were barely 100 lbs soaking wet.
After washington, we moved to Arizona. I was 11 when we made the trip. My dad stayed in Washington to finish up things for his job, while my siblings and my mom took a van down. It was a hard move. It was the middle of the summer, and coming from washington to Arizona, it was a stark difference. I remember we did not have AC in the van, and we would keep the windows rolled up until we were sweating, as if in a sauna, then roll them down and let the breeze of the highway cool our bodies. I remember reflecting upon how the air itself was hot. It felt stuffy and I did not like it. We slept in that van for a long while, until we were able to get our own place. We only stayed in that place for about a month, before my dad finally came down to Arizona. While we were sleeping in the van, my mom would drop us kids off at the pool, and we spent hours everyday there. I never really thought about it, but my mom was probably begging or looking for some way to get help for us. I'm ashamed to talk about it now, but I remember my mom asking, begging, me to go with her to panhandle, as people who see a mother with a child are more lenient, and likely to give us the money we desperately needed.
We ended up in Mesa, Arizona. About a 30 minute drive from Phoenix. I was to go to Poston Junior High, for the 7th grade. School had already started a month ago, but seeing how we were living mostly out of a van, we didn't start for awhile. I remember being so young and so lonely. I wanted friends so fucking badly. I spent so much time in my own head, analyzing social interactions like a fucking robot. Self esteem issues were rampant in my psyche, feeling little self worth for some odd reason. I would ride my bike to Tempe, where Arizona State University is located. There's a lake there, and I would spend a lot of time gazing over the water thinking what I wanted to be when I grew up. In school, besides being in my head all the time, I would read through every single class. I would listen with one ear, being aware enough of my surroundings to do well on tests, but oblivious to everything else. It was easy, so I would not give any attempt to do well.
We moved 6 times during my middle school years. Thankfully, my dad finally put his foot down and promised that we would stay in the same school dsitrict until I finished highschool. I was sacrificed to social pariah in the 9th grade. My best friend at the time thought it would be funny as an april fool's joke to say that I recieved In School Suspension for masturbating in class. 3 hours later at lunch, the whole school was talking about it. It sucked, because no amount of reasoning would sway these adamant 14 year olds. But meh, such is life. I fell in love with a girl named Christine Adams. She was everything I wanted, and I made it painfully obvious. It's excruciating to look back on the way I acted. I was so pathetic. I ended up going to highschool and finally blossomed into the whole "not giving a single fuck" attitude. Someone didn't like me? "Shrug". It really ended up being in my favor, as teenagers seem to idolize the whole apathetic attitude.
I'm sure i'm painting a picture of someone who LARPs and has weird t-shirts and all that jazz, but it's honestly not the case. I drank with friends, I had my first girlfriend at 16, I was, to be honest, "cool". But not in the popular sense of "rich, therefor I have something people envy", but I was a good friend, I made jokes and was playful, and I was often the one with the best advice and ideas in my group of friends. So through being sincere, apathetic and humorous, highschool flew by. We moved 3 times during my highschool career. Shit happened, I was lonely a few times because I never really made an effort to correct my "forever aloneness". I thought girls didn't like me, but looking back it was obvious I just didn't see the signs. But, as mentioned earlier, such is life. The most growing up I did was when I lived with my sister my senior year. As evident in my blog, I was beginning to really bloom into the man I had envisioned I would become in the future (Although, to be honest, the military me isn't what I had thought.). I was going to school for 3 hours, then working as a secretary for the school district for 3 hours every day. Life was easy, and good to me.
When I think back on all of the heart ache and shit I went through to become an adult, I can't help but smile. Sure, I was hungry sometimes. (I remember when I lived with my sister, I had to find pennies on the ground so I could go get a single top ramen package to eat for that day.) I cried a few times, I had my heart broken a few times, and I was sure the world was going to end a few times. But, that's what growing up is. And I wouldn't trade it for the world. So, that's me, Katie. This is who David Allen Lindsey is. Welcome to my mind, I suppose?
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Mom
Melissa Elena Olson-Lindsey was 46 years old on the day she passed. She is survived by her husband Frank Vernon Lindsey and 4 children; John, Audra, Frank, and David. In her last moments, she was told how loved she was by her husband, children, family and friends.
Mom, your personality was unmistakable; every single person you came in contact with, you treated with affection and love. Your noble outlook on life was a testament to your character. You were always a lighthouse in this dark world, reaching as far as possible to make strangers and loved ones alike feel welcome in whichever situation presented itself.
You had a tough life, Mom. You were in and out of Foster Homes as a child, and yet you still found it within yourself to not be jaded, to look at life through the eyes of one who believes that they will not be another statistic, that they will not let their past be the ruler of their future.
You fell in love with my father, Frank Vernon Lindsey. Together, you raised 4 beautiful children; John Lindsey, my big brother. I know you're proud of him, as all of us are. He's grown into a man who garners respect from his peers. Audra Lindsey, my loving and sweet older sister. She has grown into a beautiful woman who is taking the world at large, living to show the world that she has, within her, the ability to be whatever she chooses. Frank Vernon Lindsey, Jr., my brother and best friend; He has grown into a man you were proud to tell the world you raised. I fondly remember you telling your friends and through conversations with strangers how proud you are of your son who is in the Marine Corps. Finally, you raised me, Mom. I was your youngest. You were my rock growing up. You were the sentinel guarding me from the hurt and pain that awaited me out in the world.
You taught me Nobility, through your actions; even in the most dire of situations, you would not hesitate to give someone a helping hand. You gave me a thirst for knowledge, and curiosity. You taught me to be proud of who I am, and not to be ashamed to show the world my true colors. You taught me to think on my own, to question life and everything under the sun. I know what it means to be truly loved, unconditionally, thanks to you. I could be purple and 15 feet tall, and I would be happy in the knowledge that you loved me. I am proud to say I am a man, thanks to you. I am gentle, mom. I know how to love. I know compassion and nobility. I know beauty and wonder. I will not fail you. I am going to change this world, for the better. I will let strangers know they look beautiful, I will wish random people a happy day. I will help strangers out if they are going through a hardship. You are truly a beacon for the betterment of our broken society.
Your husband, Frank Lindsey, loves you, regardless of the things in your past. He was your partner in life, and love. Together, you defied the world as we know it, staying together all of these years even when society was not on your side. The two of you took vows, to love each other and share a life, no matter what happens. He was there with you through your last moments, showing you the love he felt and still feels.
It was your wish to travel, and you were a pursuer of the mysterious. Although you were never able to pick up and leave, never fear; you will always be with me as I take on the world and show them what it means to carry the name Lindsey. I am proud of you, Mom. Your love was given freely and it was something to be envious of. Some people may have taken advantage of that, but they can no longer hurt you. You are free from the bonds that govern our bodies.
I remember when you took in strangers from the street to give them a roof over their heads, even when it barely covered ours.
I remember conversations with your passengers who loved you to death, and fondly commented on what a beautiful person you are.
I remember coming home with a skinned knee, and you making it better in the way only mothers could.
I remember laying on your chest as you softly sang me to sleep.
I remember feeling like the world at large was mine for the taking as you proudly watched my siblings and I grow into ourselves.
I remember feeling invincible when you had your arms wrapped around me, protecting me from the monsters that haunted my sleep.
I remember, and I shall never forget.
The famous pacifist, Mahatma Ghandi, once said “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” You achieved this more beautifully than I could imagine. No matter what comment someone had about you, and about the way you freely spoke with people full of compassion and nobility, you were always open for more. It didn't matter what they had to say, in the sense that it made you a stronger person. I can never recreate the feeling I had when you told me you were proud of me. When you let me know your were happy of the man I had become. You were never afraid to speak your mind, and you were always quick to tell my siblings and I how loved we are. Without doubt, we had a few rough patches growing up, but we don't hold anything against you. We are all human, and we all have flaws. While I could not wrap my 11 year old mind around it at the time, and I was ungrateful at times, I will never forget the true bonding I felt when you, Audra, Frank, and myself were living in a van for a month. Going to sleep next to you with the ground below us and the stars above us, I was content. I will never forget your love.
You are immortal. You are the essence of the human spirit. You are what it means to be a Human. You are inside of me. You are inside of Dad, John, Audra, Frank, Lexi. You are inside of your brother Jack, and your sister Gabriel. You are the Sun, the Moon, and the Galaxy. As you once were, you shall now become; A part of the universe. I vow, as David Allen Lindsey, to never forget your voice, to never forget the way you would sing with abandon, to never forget the way you loved unconditionally.
I will love you, always.
Mom, your personality was unmistakable; every single person you came in contact with, you treated with affection and love. Your noble outlook on life was a testament to your character. You were always a lighthouse in this dark world, reaching as far as possible to make strangers and loved ones alike feel welcome in whichever situation presented itself.
You had a tough life, Mom. You were in and out of Foster Homes as a child, and yet you still found it within yourself to not be jaded, to look at life through the eyes of one who believes that they will not be another statistic, that they will not let their past be the ruler of their future.
You fell in love with my father, Frank Vernon Lindsey. Together, you raised 4 beautiful children; John Lindsey, my big brother. I know you're proud of him, as all of us are. He's grown into a man who garners respect from his peers. Audra Lindsey, my loving and sweet older sister. She has grown into a beautiful woman who is taking the world at large, living to show the world that she has, within her, the ability to be whatever she chooses. Frank Vernon Lindsey, Jr., my brother and best friend; He has grown into a man you were proud to tell the world you raised. I fondly remember you telling your friends and through conversations with strangers how proud you are of your son who is in the Marine Corps. Finally, you raised me, Mom. I was your youngest. You were my rock growing up. You were the sentinel guarding me from the hurt and pain that awaited me out in the world.
You taught me Nobility, through your actions; even in the most dire of situations, you would not hesitate to give someone a helping hand. You gave me a thirst for knowledge, and curiosity. You taught me to be proud of who I am, and not to be ashamed to show the world my true colors. You taught me to think on my own, to question life and everything under the sun. I know what it means to be truly loved, unconditionally, thanks to you. I could be purple and 15 feet tall, and I would be happy in the knowledge that you loved me. I am proud to say I am a man, thanks to you. I am gentle, mom. I know how to love. I know compassion and nobility. I know beauty and wonder. I will not fail you. I am going to change this world, for the better. I will let strangers know they look beautiful, I will wish random people a happy day. I will help strangers out if they are going through a hardship. You are truly a beacon for the betterment of our broken society.
Your husband, Frank Lindsey, loves you, regardless of the things in your past. He was your partner in life, and love. Together, you defied the world as we know it, staying together all of these years even when society was not on your side. The two of you took vows, to love each other and share a life, no matter what happens. He was there with you through your last moments, showing you the love he felt and still feels.
It was your wish to travel, and you were a pursuer of the mysterious. Although you were never able to pick up and leave, never fear; you will always be with me as I take on the world and show them what it means to carry the name Lindsey. I am proud of you, Mom. Your love was given freely and it was something to be envious of. Some people may have taken advantage of that, but they can no longer hurt you. You are free from the bonds that govern our bodies.
I remember when you took in strangers from the street to give them a roof over their heads, even when it barely covered ours.
I remember conversations with your passengers who loved you to death, and fondly commented on what a beautiful person you are.
I remember coming home with a skinned knee, and you making it better in the way only mothers could.
I remember laying on your chest as you softly sang me to sleep.
I remember feeling like the world at large was mine for the taking as you proudly watched my siblings and I grow into ourselves.
I remember feeling invincible when you had your arms wrapped around me, protecting me from the monsters that haunted my sleep.
I remember, and I shall never forget.
The famous pacifist, Mahatma Ghandi, once said “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” You achieved this more beautifully than I could imagine. No matter what comment someone had about you, and about the way you freely spoke with people full of compassion and nobility, you were always open for more. It didn't matter what they had to say, in the sense that it made you a stronger person. I can never recreate the feeling I had when you told me you were proud of me. When you let me know your were happy of the man I had become. You were never afraid to speak your mind, and you were always quick to tell my siblings and I how loved we are. Without doubt, we had a few rough patches growing up, but we don't hold anything against you. We are all human, and we all have flaws. While I could not wrap my 11 year old mind around it at the time, and I was ungrateful at times, I will never forget the true bonding I felt when you, Audra, Frank, and myself were living in a van for a month. Going to sleep next to you with the ground below us and the stars above us, I was content. I will never forget your love.
You are immortal. You are the essence of the human spirit. You are what it means to be a Human. You are inside of me. You are inside of Dad, John, Audra, Frank, Lexi. You are inside of your brother Jack, and your sister Gabriel. You are the Sun, the Moon, and the Galaxy. As you once were, you shall now become; A part of the universe. I vow, as David Allen Lindsey, to never forget your voice, to never forget the way you would sing with abandon, to never forget the way you loved unconditionally.
I will love you, always.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Dying to live, Living to die.
Almost everything is pointing to me being able to attend college this coming semester :-). I'm currently looking for employment so I don't have to take out any student loans. Cheap community colleges for the win.
I'm currently living in a one-bedroom apartment with my parents, having a really uncomfortable sofa-bed to sleep in. But, I'm really grateful. Denver is beautiful. There's a lake literally a mile away from the house, and a nice little trail for bikes, horses and I can take my dog Lexi on it, which she seems to love. I'm feeling very hopeful for the future. Las Vegas had seemed to drain the life out of me, and it was an almost physical release when we finally moved.
I feel much more relaxed and at ease with myself. I've lost alot of friends this past year, but I gained an invaluable one. I realized my dad has been there for almost every hard time I went through. It was weird talking to him after graduating high school, he was an almost entirely different person. He talked to me like I was a friend, not as a child. It was comforting to have him believe in me, when not alot of people had. I was never really close to my family after about the age of 16, with me trying to be independent and all that. My brother and I drifted apart, I was losing alot of friends, and my other two siblings I had nothing in common with. I looked to my dad as a person who fed me and clothed me, but I really found the man behind the symbol of patriarch this past year. He's brilliant. He believed in me when I went through things I would've otherwise just given up on. I'm ashamed of how selfish I was for awhile there. It never occured to me that he was there with me, going through the same exact things. I am forever in debt to him. I'm glad we're on a different, and more hopeful, track. I found myself this past year, really. And he's helped me analyze who I wish to be when I grow gray with age.
This was a whole lot of rambling, but if you stayed with it, Thanks :-P
I'm currently living in a one-bedroom apartment with my parents, having a really uncomfortable sofa-bed to sleep in. But, I'm really grateful. Denver is beautiful. There's a lake literally a mile away from the house, and a nice little trail for bikes, horses and I can take my dog Lexi on it, which she seems to love. I'm feeling very hopeful for the future. Las Vegas had seemed to drain the life out of me, and it was an almost physical release when we finally moved.
I feel much more relaxed and at ease with myself. I've lost alot of friends this past year, but I gained an invaluable one. I realized my dad has been there for almost every hard time I went through. It was weird talking to him after graduating high school, he was an almost entirely different person. He talked to me like I was a friend, not as a child. It was comforting to have him believe in me, when not alot of people had. I was never really close to my family after about the age of 16, with me trying to be independent and all that. My brother and I drifted apart, I was losing alot of friends, and my other two siblings I had nothing in common with. I looked to my dad as a person who fed me and clothed me, but I really found the man behind the symbol of patriarch this past year. He's brilliant. He believed in me when I went through things I would've otherwise just given up on. I'm ashamed of how selfish I was for awhile there. It never occured to me that he was there with me, going through the same exact things. I am forever in debt to him. I'm glad we're on a different, and more hopeful, track. I found myself this past year, really. And he's helped me analyze who I wish to be when I grow gray with age.
This was a whole lot of rambling, but if you stayed with it, Thanks :-P
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Coming Out Of The Closet
I Am An Atheist
It took alot for me to finally come to this realization, decision or whatever you'd like to call it. For a long time, I've said I'm agnostic. I've never come to terms with religion and what I thought about the world around me, and how it all came to be.
My brain screams that there is no God. My mortality cries that there must be.
I've been scared for a long time in regard to my eternal damnation, and "saving my soul". Even now, when I write this, I feel the judgement from the eyes of imagined strangers who would read this blog.
I am constantly in awe of my surroundings, life in all its forms, and the millions upon millions of possibilities I have to choose from both internally and externally of how my life will play out. I don't feel any less moral than my religious counterparts. I constantly question all things, and I don't believe that my curiosity is going to be the end of me. It baffles me how people could take something as an ultimate truth with full conviction. I try to lead my life in the moment. I try to be compassionate and loving to my fellow human.
Am I evil because I believe there is no God? I like to think that if there was a God, in all his omnipotency and omnipresence; wouldn't he rather have his creations question life and its origins? If you had all of eternity, instead of these fleeting years on earth, and you created something that was self-conscious; Wouldn't you have joy in seeing the skeptic grow? Always questioning and always full of wonder? Say you spent your entire life according to the bible. God exists and when you meet him in your heaven, he asks: What did you learn on earth, if all you've done was something you were told to do? Are you any better than a robot, then? Don't we learn from our mistakes? Don't we grow and become better human beings from memories, experiences, heartache, trouble, and defeat? "Don't touch the stove, because it is hot." What the hell is hot? Do you have any concept of the pain until you actually oblige your curious mind? How can you live if you've been told what life is all about? If you already know all the answers, are you just waiting to die, for heaven?
I remember when I first began questioning religion and the concept of a God. My mother was Bisexual for a time. She had multiple relationships with women when I was growing up. According to alot of people, my mother is eternally damned. It seems that it doesn't matter what else my mother does with her life. It is now void because she has a desire for someone of the same sex. How is it anyone elses business what my mother, or anyone else for that matter, does in their life if it doesn't cause any harm whatsoever to others? Religion also damns women as a second-class citizen in society. I have first-hand experience of the mind of men who actually believe this. When I was serving my community service last year in a church, there was a group of men who gathered once a week to talk about "Man" things. A speaker actually said "I know guys, I know... When it comes to doing chores, cleaning or helping around the house, it's usually the woman's job. But really, it would help if once in awhile, mind you not too often, you should help just a bit." I looked around and there were men nodding their heads solemnly, as if this was some sort of epiphany for them. OF COURSE YOU SHOULD HELP AROUND THE HOUSE! It's your fucking house too! Marriage isn't some bond of slavery! That contract doesn't dictate that you have someone to clean your mess and bend to your will just because you have a dick between your legs. I was appalled how many people, in this day and age, still had ideals written down in the bronze age as something to abide by.
I've come to reject alot of what religion stands for, and things associated with it. I don't think I want to get married. I don't mind commitment, but... why put so much pressure on something as delicate as a relationship? I don't even know if I want children. I certainly don't want any within the next 15 years. Maybe some people just have that parental nature, but I just don't feel it. I want to change this world. I want to better our fleeting time here. They say the first two years to raise a child costs something like $28,000. What if I just invested that instead into something like an invention, or a charity? Maybe I'm just a loner. I like my privacy, and alot of the moments of contention i've had were when I was by myself, surrounded by my thoughts and the chaotic peace of the world. I want love, and I want relationships, but not with a sacrifice as to what I could achieve in the fleeting time I have on this planet.
I'm afraid to post this. I don't know who's going to judge me, but I feel like this is liberating. I'm scared that most people find Atheism to be synonymous with demons, rapists, murderers and thieves. I'm a good person, but I just have so little patience for people who are willing to kill for something they haven't questioned themselves.
Doesn't this picture make you want to just sigh with the beauty of it all? We are literally just an atom in the wind. Live your life, please. Enjoy it. Breath in the beautiful life around you. It won't last.
It took alot for me to finally come to this realization, decision or whatever you'd like to call it. For a long time, I've said I'm agnostic. I've never come to terms with religion and what I thought about the world around me, and how it all came to be.
My brain screams that there is no God. My mortality cries that there must be.
I've been scared for a long time in regard to my eternal damnation, and "saving my soul". Even now, when I write this, I feel the judgement from the eyes of imagined strangers who would read this blog.
I am constantly in awe of my surroundings, life in all its forms, and the millions upon millions of possibilities I have to choose from both internally and externally of how my life will play out. I don't feel any less moral than my religious counterparts. I constantly question all things, and I don't believe that my curiosity is going to be the end of me. It baffles me how people could take something as an ultimate truth with full conviction. I try to lead my life in the moment. I try to be compassionate and loving to my fellow human.
Am I evil because I believe there is no God? I like to think that if there was a God, in all his omnipotency and omnipresence; wouldn't he rather have his creations question life and its origins? If you had all of eternity, instead of these fleeting years on earth, and you created something that was self-conscious; Wouldn't you have joy in seeing the skeptic grow? Always questioning and always full of wonder? Say you spent your entire life according to the bible. God exists and when you meet him in your heaven, he asks: What did you learn on earth, if all you've done was something you were told to do? Are you any better than a robot, then? Don't we learn from our mistakes? Don't we grow and become better human beings from memories, experiences, heartache, trouble, and defeat? "Don't touch the stove, because it is hot." What the hell is hot? Do you have any concept of the pain until you actually oblige your curious mind? How can you live if you've been told what life is all about? If you already know all the answers, are you just waiting to die, for heaven?
I remember when I first began questioning religion and the concept of a God. My mother was Bisexual for a time. She had multiple relationships with women when I was growing up. According to alot of people, my mother is eternally damned. It seems that it doesn't matter what else my mother does with her life. It is now void because she has a desire for someone of the same sex. How is it anyone elses business what my mother, or anyone else for that matter, does in their life if it doesn't cause any harm whatsoever to others? Religion also damns women as a second-class citizen in society. I have first-hand experience of the mind of men who actually believe this. When I was serving my community service last year in a church, there was a group of men who gathered once a week to talk about "Man" things. A speaker actually said "I know guys, I know... When it comes to doing chores, cleaning or helping around the house, it's usually the woman's job. But really, it would help if once in awhile, mind you not too often, you should help just a bit." I looked around and there were men nodding their heads solemnly, as if this was some sort of epiphany for them. OF COURSE YOU SHOULD HELP AROUND THE HOUSE! It's your fucking house too! Marriage isn't some bond of slavery! That contract doesn't dictate that you have someone to clean your mess and bend to your will just because you have a dick between your legs. I was appalled how many people, in this day and age, still had ideals written down in the bronze age as something to abide by.
I've come to reject alot of what religion stands for, and things associated with it. I don't think I want to get married. I don't mind commitment, but... why put so much pressure on something as delicate as a relationship? I don't even know if I want children. I certainly don't want any within the next 15 years. Maybe some people just have that parental nature, but I just don't feel it. I want to change this world. I want to better our fleeting time here. They say the first two years to raise a child costs something like $28,000. What if I just invested that instead into something like an invention, or a charity? Maybe I'm just a loner. I like my privacy, and alot of the moments of contention i've had were when I was by myself, surrounded by my thoughts and the chaotic peace of the world. I want love, and I want relationships, but not with a sacrifice as to what I could achieve in the fleeting time I have on this planet.
I'm afraid to post this. I don't know who's going to judge me, but I feel like this is liberating. I'm scared that most people find Atheism to be synonymous with demons, rapists, murderers and thieves. I'm a good person, but I just have so little patience for people who are willing to kill for something they haven't questioned themselves.
Doesn't this picture make you want to just sigh with the beauty of it all? We are literally just an atom in the wind. Live your life, please. Enjoy it. Breath in the beautiful life around you. It won't last.
Friday, February 26, 2010
365 Days In Review
Almost to the day, one year ago my dad lost his job. My mom had already been unemployed since october, so things were already a bit tight, and very frustrating at times. So, it's been an entire year and let's try to sum up what has happened in my life. I honestly can't believe how much i've changed.
This time last year, I had three classes in Highschool and a part time job for the Mesa Public School system. It's crazy; I had economics, mythology, and my DECA class. That's all I had to do for school. Those three things. Go to work and help Deb and Kathleen out which was really simple, actually. Mostly just making their work-load a bit easier to bear, which I did gladly.
Let's see... February 2009.... I think I had just found out Robert had gotten Andi pregnant... Y'know what's wierd? He didn't want me to know, I think. Like I always thought I was his best friend, we had known each other for a good 7 years, and had been together all the time. But, I was just about the last to know in our close group of friends. I was still hanging out with Weston, I think he had just bought his motorcycle, which he was riding to school. I always thought that was pretty cool, heh :). It's wierd to look back and see how simple life seems to me now, but I just know it was hard on me then as life is hard on me now. Frank was in his schooling for Motor Vehicle Operator. I remember thinking how fast we were growing up, and how much me and him were drifting apart. That really hurts, to be honest... We were always the best of friends, since we moved alot as children, it was hard to get new friends every 7-12 months. I was still going to parties just about every weekend at this point. Drinking, and smoking.. trying my hardest to keep a lock on my childhood. It was as futile as trying to catch a waterfall in my hands. I just didn't want to let go. At all. I remember always having such good social skills, haha. Being so friendly, dancing with any girl that came near me. I think it was just the fact that I felt so innocent. Dancing was nothing, really. Just drinks and having a bit of fun.
I think it was march...... something.. when I had asked Christine to prom. It was a bit wierd, really. We were on the phone. I was laying down in my room, and we were talking about some thing or another. I forget how it came up... I think I said "Uh, yeah... i was going to ask you something..." and she said "Yes...?" all sweetly which was cute. I think she pulled it out of me to actually ask, and she said yes, which was a shock... but not so much in hindsight, haha. Teenage dreams are naive. The moment she said she'd go with me, my mind went a thousand miles a second, thinking up every scenario, doubting myself and the reasons we were going together, asking what this all meant to our friendship, wondering what robert and my brother thought. Hah. I remember she had gone to visit her sister, I believe. And had bought a dress when she was up there. It had to have been like a week or two after we had agreed to go together. And my thousand miles a second mind was getting cold feet. I had felt so bad because I was thinking of the other people I could go with, and how scared I was to actually go with this girl that I had feelings for for SO long. It really molded the way I was going to end up as a teenager, in hindsight. Haha, this all seems so long ago, and it's been less than a year. Just a couple of days before prom, my parents had moved to Las Vegas, and I moved into my sister Audra and her boyfriend Matt's house. Me and Christine had a conversation the week or so before how I was reading too much into it, that we were just going as friends. I remember when she came over to the house to pick me up (I didn't have transportation, haha.) When my sister first started to take pictures of the two of us, I remember not putting my arm around her, and just standing next to her haha. The same exact thing happened at her house, when her parents took pictures of us, and the rest of the prom group. I think I frustrated her, lol. She had to physically grab my arm and put it around her. Agh I was so clueless, haha. I enjoyed going, in the end. I just don't think I liked that all of her friends had an opinion of me before they even met me.
The last month of school was torture. It was really all my fault for being such a procrastinator, but I always tended to blame the world for my shortcomings, which was disastrous. I had to save money from work to pay for textbooks I had never turned in during my highschool years. I was literally at the deadline as to whether or not I was going to graduate when it came to paying my debt. But ultimately, it was very liberating. My brother Frank had come out, along with my parents, to see my graduation. It was nice to see them after feeling so abandoned for the last month or so. (Sidenote: Oh my god, I had known nothing about loneliness and heartache, but in the coming months, I was soon to find out!!)
The weekend of the graduation, I think it was a Saturday. My brother Frank was with me, and we had gone to a small party at Taylor's house. This was the day where I got to drinking, and all of my boy-shyness and inhibitions went out the window. I literally stayed up the entire night talking to christine. I think our conversation included how beautiful I thought it was that women could simply hold life within themselves, and about gangster rap, massages (Christine fucking manhandled me!), all until I was so out of it that I just started falling half-asleep. But it was definitely a night I will never forget. :).
The month in-between was pretty awesome. I was on cloud nine. I can't believe how great I felt. I had friends around me, I was falling in love with christine again, I had community service to do, Weston was going to bootcamp, so he asked if I wanted to go to California with him, which was unbelieveable. I snuck into Arizona State University's stadium, which was something I will absolutely hold with me forever, I think was really opening up to Christine, telling her how I felt about life, love, and my insane outlook on life. But with every high-note in life, it comes with the low. The sweet to the bitter... Ahhh... I went from the very top to a horrible state of mind. Christine and I inevitably dated for a few weeks. I was gone most of the time, at my parents in Las Vegas. I think we spent a total of 4 days together. Which was really depressing in hindsight :-P. But it was sweet. Very, very sweet. It was the culmination of what I had been hoping against hope for, for the past 4 years. She broke up with me in the month of July, 2009. Her reason was she was tired of saying goodbye to me. She couldnt take anymore of me playing stupid games for attention.
The next months were absolutely dreadful. From september 12th, the day after my birthday, until around January 20th. I was in a horrible state of mind. I had to donate plasma to help my family make ends meet, my brother was in Afghanistan, I was stuck in the house almost every day. I had no friends, I could talk to absolutely no one. I was so hungry for conversation. I was scared of telling my Dad how I really felt about my future, and how bleak I felt about the onset of my life. My mom was drinking just about every single day, drinking away money that we didn't have. I contacted my first friend from Arizona; after 2 months of being so low. I was really hating myself, hating my life, and hating the future that was being laid bare before my eyes. I went from an Air Force recruiter to a Navy one. It's funny how all I really ever wanted to do was go to college. That's why I wanted to join the military. Simply for college. I'm not going to be stuck in life, I'm going to try my hardest to reach my full potential. I studied alot for the ASVAB, to get into the navy's Nuclear Propulsion program; the hardest the U.S. Military has to offer. I passed everything they asked me to do. I recieved a 92 on my ASVAB, and I passed the Navy's Advance Placment Test. I was absolutely candidate material. My future looked bright, and I was thinking how no matter what has happened in the past, I can always make my future brighter. But unfortunately I found out I couldn't. Bad grades in Highschool determined that I was unfit to join the Nuclear Propulsion program. I was devastated. Let's rewind back to January 16th of this year. I was in Arizona, and I was at Audra's house for the second day. I had gone to a party with my friends the night before, and a hookah bar that night. This was the culmination of all the events of the past year. I finally told my dad how I was feeling. I told him I was thinking of suicide almost daily. I had never cried to hard in my entire life. I told him how frustrating it was for me to take all of the stress. How I hadn't slept in a bed for over a year, how angry I was that I had to even turn to the military to get my life started. How hurt I was that Christine didn't want to see me when I visited Arizona. But I can't blame her; I'm just more stress. I must've cried and talked to my dad for about 3 hours. I just let it all out. I'm very glad I did, though. He told me about his past experiences, how hard life can be, and it's only as rewarding as I make it.
Overall, this was definitely the worst year of my entire life. Absolutely. But I hope that after such a bitter year, I can have a sweet one. I'm still confused as to love, and how lonely I am. It's wierd though. I want someone, but I don't. I know that I can't commit to anything until I'm out of college, which is more than likely not for another 6 years. This time has got to be fleeting..... I'm just lonely. It sucks, but who isn't lonely?
Peace and Love,
David.
This time last year, I had three classes in Highschool and a part time job for the Mesa Public School system. It's crazy; I had economics, mythology, and my DECA class. That's all I had to do for school. Those three things. Go to work and help Deb and Kathleen out which was really simple, actually. Mostly just making their work-load a bit easier to bear, which I did gladly.
Let's see... February 2009.... I think I had just found out Robert had gotten Andi pregnant... Y'know what's wierd? He didn't want me to know, I think. Like I always thought I was his best friend, we had known each other for a good 7 years, and had been together all the time. But, I was just about the last to know in our close group of friends. I was still hanging out with Weston, I think he had just bought his motorcycle, which he was riding to school. I always thought that was pretty cool, heh :). It's wierd to look back and see how simple life seems to me now, but I just know it was hard on me then as life is hard on me now. Frank was in his schooling for Motor Vehicle Operator. I remember thinking how fast we were growing up, and how much me and him were drifting apart. That really hurts, to be honest... We were always the best of friends, since we moved alot as children, it was hard to get new friends every 7-12 months. I was still going to parties just about every weekend at this point. Drinking, and smoking.. trying my hardest to keep a lock on my childhood. It was as futile as trying to catch a waterfall in my hands. I just didn't want to let go. At all. I remember always having such good social skills, haha. Being so friendly, dancing with any girl that came near me. I think it was just the fact that I felt so innocent. Dancing was nothing, really. Just drinks and having a bit of fun.
I think it was march...... something.. when I had asked Christine to prom. It was a bit wierd, really. We were on the phone. I was laying down in my room, and we were talking about some thing or another. I forget how it came up... I think I said "Uh, yeah... i was going to ask you something..." and she said "Yes...?" all sweetly which was cute. I think she pulled it out of me to actually ask, and she said yes, which was a shock... but not so much in hindsight, haha. Teenage dreams are naive. The moment she said she'd go with me, my mind went a thousand miles a second, thinking up every scenario, doubting myself and the reasons we were going together, asking what this all meant to our friendship, wondering what robert and my brother thought. Hah. I remember she had gone to visit her sister, I believe. And had bought a dress when she was up there. It had to have been like a week or two after we had agreed to go together. And my thousand miles a second mind was getting cold feet. I had felt so bad because I was thinking of the other people I could go with, and how scared I was to actually go with this girl that I had feelings for for SO long. It really molded the way I was going to end up as a teenager, in hindsight. Haha, this all seems so long ago, and it's been less than a year. Just a couple of days before prom, my parents had moved to Las Vegas, and I moved into my sister Audra and her boyfriend Matt's house. Me and Christine had a conversation the week or so before how I was reading too much into it, that we were just going as friends. I remember when she came over to the house to pick me up (I didn't have transportation, haha.) When my sister first started to take pictures of the two of us, I remember not putting my arm around her, and just standing next to her haha. The same exact thing happened at her house, when her parents took pictures of us, and the rest of the prom group. I think I frustrated her, lol. She had to physically grab my arm and put it around her. Agh I was so clueless, haha. I enjoyed going, in the end. I just don't think I liked that all of her friends had an opinion of me before they even met me.
The last month of school was torture. It was really all my fault for being such a procrastinator, but I always tended to blame the world for my shortcomings, which was disastrous. I had to save money from work to pay for textbooks I had never turned in during my highschool years. I was literally at the deadline as to whether or not I was going to graduate when it came to paying my debt. But ultimately, it was very liberating. My brother Frank had come out, along with my parents, to see my graduation. It was nice to see them after feeling so abandoned for the last month or so. (Sidenote: Oh my god, I had known nothing about loneliness and heartache, but in the coming months, I was soon to find out!!)
The weekend of the graduation, I think it was a Saturday. My brother Frank was with me, and we had gone to a small party at Taylor's house. This was the day where I got to drinking, and all of my boy-shyness and inhibitions went out the window. I literally stayed up the entire night talking to christine. I think our conversation included how beautiful I thought it was that women could simply hold life within themselves, and about gangster rap, massages (Christine fucking manhandled me!), all until I was so out of it that I just started falling half-asleep. But it was definitely a night I will never forget. :).
The month in-between was pretty awesome. I was on cloud nine. I can't believe how great I felt. I had friends around me, I was falling in love with christine again, I had community service to do, Weston was going to bootcamp, so he asked if I wanted to go to California with him, which was unbelieveable. I snuck into Arizona State University's stadium, which was something I will absolutely hold with me forever, I think was really opening up to Christine, telling her how I felt about life, love, and my insane outlook on life. But with every high-note in life, it comes with the low. The sweet to the bitter... Ahhh... I went from the very top to a horrible state of mind. Christine and I inevitably dated for a few weeks. I was gone most of the time, at my parents in Las Vegas. I think we spent a total of 4 days together. Which was really depressing in hindsight :-P. But it was sweet. Very, very sweet. It was the culmination of what I had been hoping against hope for, for the past 4 years. She broke up with me in the month of July, 2009. Her reason was she was tired of saying goodbye to me. She couldnt take anymore of me playing stupid games for attention.
The next months were absolutely dreadful. From september 12th, the day after my birthday, until around January 20th. I was in a horrible state of mind. I had to donate plasma to help my family make ends meet, my brother was in Afghanistan, I was stuck in the house almost every day. I had no friends, I could talk to absolutely no one. I was so hungry for conversation. I was scared of telling my Dad how I really felt about my future, and how bleak I felt about the onset of my life. My mom was drinking just about every single day, drinking away money that we didn't have. I contacted my first friend from Arizona; after 2 months of being so low. I was really hating myself, hating my life, and hating the future that was being laid bare before my eyes. I went from an Air Force recruiter to a Navy one. It's funny how all I really ever wanted to do was go to college. That's why I wanted to join the military. Simply for college. I'm not going to be stuck in life, I'm going to try my hardest to reach my full potential. I studied alot for the ASVAB, to get into the navy's Nuclear Propulsion program; the hardest the U.S. Military has to offer. I passed everything they asked me to do. I recieved a 92 on my ASVAB, and I passed the Navy's Advance Placment Test. I was absolutely candidate material. My future looked bright, and I was thinking how no matter what has happened in the past, I can always make my future brighter. But unfortunately I found out I couldn't. Bad grades in Highschool determined that I was unfit to join the Nuclear Propulsion program. I was devastated. Let's rewind back to January 16th of this year. I was in Arizona, and I was at Audra's house for the second day. I had gone to a party with my friends the night before, and a hookah bar that night. This was the culmination of all the events of the past year. I finally told my dad how I was feeling. I told him I was thinking of suicide almost daily. I had never cried to hard in my entire life. I told him how frustrating it was for me to take all of the stress. How I hadn't slept in a bed for over a year, how angry I was that I had to even turn to the military to get my life started. How hurt I was that Christine didn't want to see me when I visited Arizona. But I can't blame her; I'm just more stress. I must've cried and talked to my dad for about 3 hours. I just let it all out. I'm very glad I did, though. He told me about his past experiences, how hard life can be, and it's only as rewarding as I make it.
Overall, this was definitely the worst year of my entire life. Absolutely. But I hope that after such a bitter year, I can have a sweet one. I'm still confused as to love, and how lonely I am. It's wierd though. I want someone, but I don't. I know that I can't commit to anything until I'm out of college, which is more than likely not for another 6 years. This time has got to be fleeting..... I'm just lonely. It sucks, but who isn't lonely?
Peace and Love,
David.
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